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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the difficulties people have when they move to a new country and how the problems vary according to people’s ages.

The bar chart shows the difficulties people have when they move to a new country and how the problems vary according to people’s ages.
#bar #difficulties #people #move #country #people’s #ages
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The greatest problem for young
people
 aged 18 to 34 is managing
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
show examples
, a problem experienced by 34
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the
people
 in
this
age
 group.
However
, only 29
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
people
 over 55 face financial
problems
. Both of the older
age
 groups find it hard to deal with health
problems
, with approximately 37
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In comparison, the youngest
age
 group finds
this
 easier, and the percentage who have
problems
 taking care of their health is lower, at 32
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,’
In contrast
 to their healthcare difficulties, only 2
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
people
 in the oldest
age
 group have trouble with their children’s education.
However
,
this
 figure is much higher in parents aged 35 to 54 who struggle to find suitable schools, at 19
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In general, all
age
 groups experience the same
problems
 to some extent, but the percentage of middle
age
people
 who find health care difficult is much higher than the others.
Submitted by Thanh on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the first paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, percent, age, problems with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
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