IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The young today spend a large amount of their leisure time in shopping centers. It is feared that this trend can bring negative influences on the youths and the society. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this view?

#amount #leisure #time #centers #trend #influences #youths #society
In my opinion,
i
refers to the speaker or writer
I
 agree that the young today spend a large
amout
a quantity of money
amount
 of their leisure in shopping centres because it can bring negative influences on the youths and the society.
First
, spending too much time in shopping centres
consums
Suggestion
consumes
consume
consumers
 lots of
money
Accept comma addition
money, although
although
 they earn much money or not too much. For
youngwomen
Suggestion
young women
,
everytime
Suggestion
every time
 that they see the product which is
saling
Suggestion
sold
selling
, immediately they buy
although
sometime
on certain occasions or in certain cases but not always
sometimes
 they don't see the cost. They spend a lot of money on clothes, cosmetic,
shoes but
Accept comma addition
shoes, but
 they don't use it regularly.
For example
,
youngwomen
Suggestion
young women
 see the jeans which
is saling
Suggestion
are sailing
is sailing
is selling
is sealing
 about 50% and they buy it without thinking and trying. But later, maybe they just wear it once or twice or if it
isn't fit
Suggestion
doesn't fit
with
Suggestion
to
 their body, they will throw away or give it to another person and it is so wasted.
Sencondly
Suggestion
Secondly
, going to the shopping
centers
an area that is approximately central within some larger region
centre
centres
 in their free time can decrease their affective work and the communities can suffer from a decrease in the intellectual level because people are more interested in leisure pursuits rather than focusing on their work or
study
Suggestion
studies
. It is undeniable that an avenger
women
Suggestion
woman
 spend at least two hours doing shopping while
shopaholics
Suggestion
Shopaholics
 can deflate their worked or studied hours to go to shopping. The student
usually stop
Suggestion
usually stops
 reading a book and go to the supermarket nearby if someone request them to go out. The young people could slack of their
acquisition
Suggestion
acquired
knownledge
the psychological result of perception and learning and reasoning
knowledge
. The economy
also
 suffers due to less work being done. In conclusion,
i
refers to the speaker or writer
I
beleive
accept as true; take to be true
believe
 that
this
 trend has an overall negative on both the young people and the society as a whole.
Submitted by shushi2610 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: