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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that illegal Internet downloads are having a negative effect on the music industry. Others feel that they have little or no impact on artists. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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A generation ago
people
Use synonyms
 are
lining-up
Correct your spelling
lining up
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 to their nearest audio store to buy the latest album of their favourite artist. Nowadays, illegal downloading of songs or albums from the internet has become a trend.
Although
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that these activities won’t affect the artist, I think that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 will impact the music industry negatively.
On the other hand
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, it
still
Add a missing verb
is still
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 a discussion that
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
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 will not be financially affected by illegal downloads. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that they have multiple
source
Change to a plural noun
sources
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 of income.
For instance
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, they have these concert tours, television guesting and endorsements.
Therefore
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, as long as
people
Use synonyms
 continue listening to them either legal or illegal means, they still be famous and able to earn their living somewhere else.
On the other hand
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, I believe that
this
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 will significantly affect the music sector as a whole. In my opinion, a lot of production studios may not be sustainable if consumers do not pay for their products. Recordings incur high production costs because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
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 many professionals
such
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 as singers and composers. If they do not have enough compensation
due to
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 illegal downloading, they will not be able to survive in
this
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 competitive market in the long term. I
also
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 think that
this
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 will discourage them
to spend
Change preposition
from spending
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 hours on creating good music for their audience. They may feel that their songs are not appreciated and
therefore
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, de-motivated to continue composing wonderful songs and quit their jobs. In conclusion,
although
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 many artists do not rely only on one source of income, I still believe that downloading online without paying for it will cause the whole industry to slow down and production studios will not survive in the future.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear argument but could benefit from a more structured approach. Consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your work for grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and usage of articles. For example, "it still a discussion that artist" should be "it is still a discussion that artists."
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. For instance, mentioning specific artists or actual financial data could enhance your argument.
task achievement
You provide a balanced discussion of both perspectives, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your argument effectively, reinforcing your opinion on the negative impact of illegal downloads.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • illegal downloads
  • financial losses
  • record labels
  • decrease in sales
  • perception
  • undermine
  • upcoming artists
  • pirated
  • exposure
  • concert attendance
  • merchandise sales
  • alternative revenue streams
  • live performances
  • sponsorships
  • streaming platforms
  • business models
  • loyal fan base
  • adapt
  • mitigate
  • thrive
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