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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that high salary is important when choosing a company to work for, while others think that good working atmosphere is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #salary #company #work #atmosphere
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Many
people
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 dream
to
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of working
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work
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 in large
companies
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 these days because of
high
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the high
a high
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package
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packages
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 offered by them.
However
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, some
people
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 choose these
companies
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 for high
salary
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 to
work
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 for,
while
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 others believe that working in a good
atmosphere
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 can be beneficial. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss
about
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apply
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the
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apply
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both sides of the argument and give my opinion.
Firstly
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, selecting a dream company is a big challenge
due to
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 heavy competition. Apart from that, maintaining
a
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apply
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job security is the most difficult one.
For instance
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, each year many graduates qualify their studies for jobs, but only 7 percent of
people
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 with high academic performances get
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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job
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jobs
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. So, it is important for an average
middle class
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middle-class
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 person to get a high
salary
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 to overcome their monthly
spendings
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spending
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.
On the other hand
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, other
people
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 believe that working in a good
atmosphere
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 can be advantageous.
Moreover
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, healthy surroundings at our
work
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 can help the employees to
work
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 more effectively
as well as
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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develops
Correct subject-verb agreement
develop
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 interest towards their
work
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.
For example
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,
the
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apply
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famous
companies
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 like Google, Amazon,
Apple
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and Apple
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offers
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offer
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 memberships in clubs and recreational activities to motivate the employees who
work
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 in those
companies
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. In conclusion, by the
above aforementioned
Add a hyphen
above-aforementioned
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points
Add a comma
points,
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 it is important to
work
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 for
high
Correct article usage
a high
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salary
Use synonyms
as well as
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 in a good
atmosphere
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. In my humble opinion, it is more important to
work
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 in
a better surroundings
Correct the article-noun agreement
better surroundings
a better surrounding
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 rather than working for a high
salary
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.
Although
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 many
companies
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 offer both higher
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salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
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 with a good
atmosphere
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, it
should
Verb problem
is
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also
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 important for other
companies
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 to
make
Verb problem
create
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 a healthy
atmosphere
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 for their employees.

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task response
Address the prompt more directly by providing a more balanced discussion of both views. Include specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is clear, but the arguments could be more effectively organized. Ensure that your introduction previews the points you will discuss and that your conclusion summarizes your main ideas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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