IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

To get a good job today it is more important for children to study mathematics and foreign languages than art and music. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It has become imperative for students
choosing
Change the verb form
to choose
show examples
 Maths and to learn an international language
for finding
Change preposition
to find
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 an important vocation rather than doing craft and acoustic
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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 on instruments.
However
Linking Words
, both streams have their own significance, I opine that for selecting a well-paid career former view can provide better growth chances.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there is a demand
of
Change preposition
for
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 skilled workers across the world which makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
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jobs in the field of mathematics more lucrative in terms of money
and
Correct word choice
apply
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due to
Linking Words
increase
Correct article usage
the increase
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of
Change preposition
in
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 cross-border trade, it is becoming crucial to learn a foreign language, and
combination
Correct article usage
a combination
show examples
 of both not only provides better opportunities but to take a tour of the other countries
also
Linking Words
.
For instance
Linking Words
, One of my college friends after completing his studies has joined a multi-national company. Now, he has made a plethora of international official tours.
While
Linking Words
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, learning art
ad
Correct your spelling
and
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 music make
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life more creative
instead
Linking Words
 of doing mundane activities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if a person got
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success in the field of creativity, he or she could become a star overnight,
whereas
Linking Words
, the chances of
this
Linking Words
 likelihood are extremely rare because a handful
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 only get
this
Linking Words
 level of success. To take an example, famous musician and singer Tara Jaiswal
told
Verb problem
said
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 in an interview that he has seen many people struggling to even
hand to mouth
Add a hyphen
hand-to-mouth
show examples
 earnings. To summarise, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school,
to learn
Change the verb form
learning
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 all the subjects
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 compulsory, but from
making
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a career point of view, it is essential to put special emphasis on subjects which can help in building a successful career which in my opinion mathematics and learning a different language can do a miracle.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. Use topic sentences to help readers understand what each paragraph is about.
coherence and cohesion
Try to better connect your ideas with linking words like 'however', 'moreover', and 'for example'. This will make your writing flow better.
task achievement
Be careful with spelling and grammar. Check your essay for mistakes, as they can distract from your ideas.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points. This will help make your ideas clearer and stronger.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic, which is good for showing your stance.
coherence and cohesion
You attempted to address both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced view.
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