IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The time people devote in job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem. What problem will this shortage of time causes.

#time #people #job #life #shortage
As the world is passing through the 21th century, all the nations are developing in
this
 era. It is the global issue these days that the employees who devote their unique time to any organization or industry those have very less time for their personal
life
 and
this
 problem has become widespread. I strongly accord to
this
 statement and I will provide strong view points in the forthcoming verses before reaching to plausible conclusion.
undeniably
Suggestion
Undeniably
, escalation of unemployment rate among the youngsters as well as market products is increasing at high rates. Every individual is
into
Suggestion
in
rat race
Suggestion
a rat race
the rat race
 to earn more and more money so anonymously people have become
workaholic
Suggestion
workaholics
a workaholic
 and money minded.
Furthermore
, all the companies
does only think
Suggestion
are only thinking
 about their benefits they give overtime working hours to employees so workers kills each other to high earning.
conspicuously
Suggestion
Conspicuously
, if a person, spend his most of precious time out of the
home
Accept comma addition
home, then
then
 unquestionably his family relations will be weaker and it leads to
myriads
Suggestion
the myriads
 of problems which have their hazardous effects on one’s
life
.
Firstly
,
person
Suggestion
a person
the person
 can lose his partner.
Moreover
,
divorce rate
Suggestion
the divorce rate
 will be increased if
this
 sort of tendency spontaneously goes on
.
Accept space
.
also individual
Accept comma addition
Also, individual
Also individual
 can attain
sedentary
Suggestion
the sedentary lifestyle
sedentary lifestyle
a sedentary lifestyle
life
 style which leads to dangerous ailments
such
 as obesity, stress and depression
etcetera and
Accept comma addition
etcetera, and
 it is
also
 claimed by Apollo hospital’s research on software employees. To conclude, it can be said that undeniably bucks are main need of today’s materialistic world but personal
life
 should never be ignored. Governments
also
 must implement some rules about duties.
Submitted by fgf583770 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: