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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show what UK graduate and post graduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

The charts below show what UK graduate and post graduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.
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The bar graph illustrates the profession of UK
graduate
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 and
post
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postgraduate
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graduate
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 students who did not undergo full-time employment during their
post college
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post-college
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 period in the year 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, studying
further
Linking Words
 was most popular among UK
graduates
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as well as
Linking Words
postgraduates
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, engaging in volunteer
work
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 was the field least chosen among both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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graduates
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in total, the number of
graduates
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 was almost 10 times more than the number of
postgraduates
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. A staggering 29,665
graduate
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 students opted for
further
Linking Words
 studies,
whereas
Linking Words
 a meagre 3500
graduate
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 students wanted to do voluntary
work
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of
graduates
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 doing part-time
work
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 or unemployed remained almost the same at 17,735 and 16.325 respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, only 2725
postgraduates
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 enrolled in
further
Linking Words
 studies, which is nearly 11 times less than the
Use synonyms
graduates
Change to a genitive case
graduate's
graduates'
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 proportion.
Also
Linking Words
 noteworthy is the fact that a similar trend was seen in all the other fields
as well as
Linking Words
 only 2,535, 345, and 1625
postgraduates
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 engaged in part-time
work
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, voluntary
work
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 and unemployment respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "as well as, further".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words graduate, graduates, postgraduates, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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