IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017. Summarise it.

The chart below shows figures for attendances at hospital emergency care departments in Northern Ireland by age group in December 2016 and December 2017. Summarise it.
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The bar chart compares the number of visits made by six age groups to
emergency
Use synonyms
 departments in hospitals in Northern Ireland in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
December 2016 and 2017.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the eldest people and the youngest group were the most frequent visitors to
emergency
Use synonyms
 departments.
Also
Linking Words
, there was a slight increase in the rate of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 among all six groups from 2016 to 2017. Looking first at the older age groups, roughly 65 people, per 1000 population, aged 75 and over attended
to
Change preposition
apply
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emergency
Use synonyms
 services in December 2016, and
this
Linking Words
 rose to almost 70
attendances
Use synonyms
 per
1000-population
Correct your spelling
1000 population
 one year later. Interestingly, those aged 65 to 74 were less than half likely to require
emergency
Use synonyms
 treatment, with around 30
attendances
Use synonyms
 per
1000-population
Correct your spelling
1000 population
 in both months. At the other end of the scale, the figures for
emergency
Use synonyms
 visits by
under
Correct pronoun usage
those under
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 5s rose marginally from around 50 to approximately 52 per
1000-population
Correct your spelling
1000 population
 over the one-year period. Children aged 5 to 15 made the fewest visits, at just over 20 per 1000-population in both months.
Finally
Linking Words
, there was almost no difference in the figures for
emergency
Use synonyms
 service
Use synonyms
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 among people 16 to 44, 45 to 64 and 65 to 74.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words emergency, attendances with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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