IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. Write at least 150 words

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. Write at least 150 words
#people #states #time #summarise #information #features #comparison
The figure illustrates the
proportion
 of activities done by elderly people in their leisure time in U. S. from
1980s
Change the article
the 1980s
show examples
 to
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
.
Overall
, among the five activities, the percentage of surfing the Internet and hiking increased
during
Change preposition
over
show examples
 30 years,
while
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
 other activities fluctuated slightly. It is interesting to note that the percentage of elderly people
spent
Correct pronoun usage
who spent
show examples
 time
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hiking raised sharply over the
periods
Fix the agreement mistake
period
show examples
 from around only 20% in
1980s
Change the article
the 1980s
show examples
 up to 80% in
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
. It was similar to the number of surfing the Internet which had a soft increase over 20 years (around 5% to 15%),
then
 it jumped to 50% in the
next
 10 years. Another thing to see is the
proportion
 of reading and visiting theatre fluctuated every
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decade. It can be seen by the year of 1980s,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
reading's
Unnecessary verb
reading
show examples
 percentage was 30%, raised up to 40% in
1990s
Correct article usage
the 1990s
show examples
, fell again to 20% in
2000s
Correct article usage
the 2000s
show examples
, and at
last
 climbed up to over 60% in
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
. The same
fluctuative
Correct your spelling
fluctuating
proportion
occured
Correct your spelling
occurred
 in theatre
visit
Fix the agreement mistake
visits
show examples
. The
last
 thing to figure out is that the
proportion
 of watching went up respectively from
1980s
Change the article
the 1980s
show examples
 to
2000s
Correct article usage
the 2000s
show examples
 (60% - 70%);
however
, it dropped slowly to nearly 60% in
2010s
Correct article usage
the 2010s
show examples
. (193 words)

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "fluctuated" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
▼

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!