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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the average percentages in typical meals, of three types of nutrients, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much.

The charts below show the average percentages in typical meals, of three types of nutrients, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much.
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There is a total of 3
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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different types of nutrients given in the chart which are consumed by the
people
Use synonyms
 of the United States
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 four different times of
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 day. In the beginning, the day starts with breakfast which contains 14%
sodium
Use synonyms
 16% saturated fat and the same amount of added
sugar
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
At
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 lunchtime, the percentage of taking
sodium
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, saturated fat and added
sugar
Use synonyms
 are respectively 29, 26 and 19.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 consume the highest volume of added
sugar
Use synonyms
 in their
snacks
Change the noun form
snack
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time
Use synonyms
 which deteriorates to severe health risks. In the US livelihood,
people
Use synonyms
 eat
sodium
Use synonyms
 nutrients the most
in
Change preposition
at
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 Dinner
time
Use synonyms
 which is around 43%. Later on,
people
Use synonyms
 should start the day with energetic food which contains a proper scale of
sodium
Use synonyms
, optimum saturated fat and
sugar
Use synonyms
. Everyone should avoid added
sugar
Use synonyms
 as much as possible, as it bears
articial
Correct your spelling
artificial
 sweets.
In
Change preposition
At
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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lunch and dinner
time
Use synonyms
, one should eat
Sodium
Use synonyms
 and saturated fat
more
Rephrase
rather
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 than added
sugar
Use synonyms
. As added
sugar
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 may increase health
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
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,
therefore
Linking Words
,
it's
Replace the word
its
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percentage should be decreased from 42 % to 20%. Rather, they can have fruit in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
snacks
Change the noun form
snack
show examples
time
Use synonyms
. Fruit provides twice as much
as
Change preposition
apply
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energy than added
sugar
Use synonyms
 and it lasts
long
Rephrase
longer
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.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are seeking added
sugar
Use synonyms
 and have less
Use synonyms
sodium related
Add a hyphen
sodium-related
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nutrients,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
when
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 they need it the most.
Although
Linking Words
 they eat a satisfactory amount of saturated fat, they need to emphasise
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the other two.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
▼
Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, sodium, sugar, time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Nutrients
  • Unhealthy
  • Daily intake
  • Percentage
  • Carbohydrates
  • Fats
  • Proteins
  • Meals
  • Balanced diet
  • Consumption
  • Excess
  • Health implications
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Heart disease
  • Convenience foods
  • Fast foods
  • Socioeconomic factors
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Healthy eating habits
  • Dietary recommendations
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