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Writing Samples /
Band 4

If children behave badly should their parents take responsibility and also be punished? State your answer and give your reasons. OR If a five year old commits a crime, should his/her parents accept responsibility and how should they be punished. What is the age of a child when parents no longer have the responsibility of a child’s behavior?

#children #parents #responsibility #five #year #crime #age #child #child’s #behavior
It is an ongoing debate
that
Correct word choice
whether
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 parents are responsible for the misdeeds of a child or not. I believe that if youngsters commit a crime, their guardians should be blamed and they should be punished. An elaboration of my viewpoint with
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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relevant examples and reasons has been justified in the forthcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
,
children
 learn everything from the
surrounding
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surroundings
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 and family in which they are living
in
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apply
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.
This
 is a duty of an elder to teach and guide their kids.
For example
, my country, India has a rule that people below 18 years should not be punished.
In
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As
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 a result, they can make a big mistake in
a
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the
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 future.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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 should take
an
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apply
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action against their guardians so that, they restrict their kids properly.
Therefore
, it is a required step for a better future
of
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for
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 a youngster.
Secondly
, there is an emotional connection between parents and their
children
. If a punishment
given
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is given
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 to them, it would affect
a
Correct article usage
the
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 mind of a young one.
Additionally
,
this
 situation will daunt them forever and it will stop them
to do
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from doing
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 any kind of crime.
Moreover
, a guardian should take
a
Remove the article
apply
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responsibility
of
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for
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 a child because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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behaviour
Add an article
the behaviour
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 of a younger is only depends upon their family background. If a father or a mother is doing an illegal thing,
children
 will
also
 learn that from them. To summarize the discussion, the guardian is the only element in the childhood
from
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to
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 which
children
 are attached to. There is no one above them to teach
a
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the
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 difference between good and bad. Thereby, if younger one does any illegal thing, their parents are responsible for that and a proper punishment should be given to them.

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of the essay by organizing the ideas in a more coherent and cohesive manner.
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more clearly presented to address the essay prompt effectively.
relevant examples
Ensure that all specific examples and ideas provided are relevant to the topic and support the main points effectively.
task response
The essay needs to address the prompt more comprehensively with a stronger focus on task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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