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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below describes the number of employees and factories in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below describes the number of employees and factories in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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The table provides
data
Use synonyms
 on how many male and female
employees
Use synonyms
 worked in
factories
Use synonyms
 in the UK in England and Wales in six
separates
Replace the word
separate
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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, five decades apart, starting
1851
Change preposition
in 1851
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the number of
employees
Use synonyms
 which was all three: male,
female
Correct word choice
and female
show examples
, total decreased,
whereas
Linking Words
 the number of
factories
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased over the period shown.
Further
Linking Words
, male
employees
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 were always higher than female
employees
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 in all years except in 1861. Looking at the
data
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 sets of
employees
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 in more
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
, it can be seen that the number of
employees
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 which was male and female and total stood at 287,100 and 190,000 and 477,100 in 1851, respectively, which were the highest values on the chart. By 1961,
data
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 had halved to 131,780 for men but, slightly higher for women, at 160,000, out of
total
Add an article
a total
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 of 291,780.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, male and female
employees
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’ figures dropped consistently to 31,000 and 30,000
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period. Total numbers were 61,000 in 1901. Turning to the
factories
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data
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 set, it is evident that there were 225 and 227
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
factories
Use synonyms
 in 1851 and 1861, respectively. By 1871, it had tripled to 622, after which
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 peaked at 721 in 1881.
Finally
Linking Words
,
data
Use synonyms
 fell again to 600 in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 part of the table.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words data, employees, factories with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "sets" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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