IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
Healthy citizens are a major factor in a country's development. Developed nations are facing an obesity epidemic. One can argue, that the
government
 should take necessary steps to curb
this
 problem. I agree that the
government
 should aware more people about a healthy lifestyle and take ownership.
Firstly
, children are becoming obese and unhealthy because of increasing adulteration in
food
.
Although
this
 might not be the only problem,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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it is a major one.
For example
, foods are frequently tested positive for lead and mercury in developing countries.
These pollutant
Change the determiner
This pollutant
These pollutants
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 attack our metabolism and kills gut bacteria,
hence
 increasing weight.
In addition
, recent studies have shown the link between lead consumption and cancer.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should increase the penalty on
food
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 found adulterating.
Also
, there should be frequent visits by the health inspector
on
Change preposition
to
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 all
food
 businesses and restaurants.
Secondly
, in developing countries, health is more dependent on factors which
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can control.
For instance
, clean water, minimal pollution and proper medicines. If we look at India, the most common diseases are polio, dengue and malaria. All of these can be controlled by proper
measure
Fix the agreement mistake
measures
show examples
 taken by the
government
.
For example
, awareness programs should be introduced in every state to educate people on these issues.
Furthermore
, free vaccine camps for children should be run.
This
 can kill diseases at a very young age.
To conclude
, unless
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 takes the necessary steps,
this
 problem will only escalate. In order to promote a healthy lifestyle, It is their responsibility to provide each citizen with good
food
 and medicines.
Submitted by divyakapila92 on

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The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize your main points. Work on linking your ideas and sentences together more cohesively to improve coherence and cohesion.

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