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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some believe that men and women are equal and so women are able to do any job they want. Others feel that men women are not equal and therefore there certain jobs that are not suitable for women. What is your opinion?

#believe #men #women #job #jobs
Some people are of the notion that men and
women
 are not equal and for that matter, they shouldn't be offered the same job opportunities. Others,
however
, oppose
such
view
Correct article usage
a view
show examples
. In my opinion,
women
 and men are not on the same wavelength and as
such
 they shouldn't be granted the same
work
 opportunities
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 men for various reasons which
this
 essay will throw more light on.
To begin
,
women
 are exceptionally good at so many things and
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to fill in very well wherever they find themselves and
as a result
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they tend to deliver effectively
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their various professions. But to give them the same professional, chances
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 their
Male
Fix capitalization
male
show examples
 counterparts in the same field will be catastrophic to their
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
. Take mine,
for instance
,
women
 cannot function in
this
 field because it requires
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
enormous physical strength and power.
Women
 who find themselves in
this
 area of
work
 acquire serious health problems in life. Some develop issues with infertility
due to
 the vibration of the equipment and machines they use on the site. Machines like drilling, excavators and bulldozers
produces
Change the verb form
produce
show examples
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 amount of vibration.
In addition
 to the aforementioned reason above, most
women
 leave gaps that usually
needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 to be filled temporarily at various
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
due to
 maternity leave.
This
 puts a magnificent amount of pressure on organisations and companies.
For example
, a female surgeon who is on maternity leave will eventually leave a huge hole in her post and
thus
puts
Wrong verb form
put
show examples
 pressure on the hospital to seek a replacement for the short term. Many
women
 more often than not experience familiar health issues associated with
women
 and because of
this
 they sometimes absent themselves from
work
 and
this
 affects job performance and productivity.
To conclude
, yes, we live in an equality era where the emphasis on both sexes
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 without partiality, but I strongly believe that certain professions are not suitable for
women
 and
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
should be left alone for their male counterparts.
Submitted by kumi14517 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction that presents the main topic and the writer's opinion. The conclusion is also unclear and does not effectively summarize the main points. The essay lacks a logical structure and the sequencing of ideas is not cohesive.
task achievement
The essay provides some relevant ideas, but the response does not fully address the prompt. The reasoning is not clear and the arguments lack depth. More specific examples and a more comprehensive exploration of the topic are needed.

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