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Writing Samples
Band 7

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The bar chart describes the percentage of
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in different
age
Use synonyms
 groups who did
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regular
exercise
Use synonyms
 in Australia during 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
females
Use synonyms
 were more active in regular physical activities than
males
Use synonyms
 except for one
age
Use synonyms
 group who were in 15-24
age
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the chart, 52.8% of
males
Use synonyms
 did
exercise
Use synonyms
 regularly in
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
-24
age
Use synonyms
 but it slightly decreased to 42.2% in
25
Correct article usage
the 25
show examples
-34
age
Use synonyms
. In the 35-44
age
Use synonyms
, only 39.5% of
males
Use synonyms
 did physical activities regularly.
However
Linking Words
, there was 43.1% of
males
Use synonyms
 did
exercise
Use synonyms
 daily
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
45
Correct article usage
the 45
show examples
-54
age
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, it increased dramatically to 45.1% and 46.7% in 55-64
age
Use synonyms
 and in 65 and over 65
age
Use synonyms
 respectively. For
females
Use synonyms
, there was 47.7% did regular physical activities when they were teenagers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there was a slight increase from 48.9% to 52.5% of
females
Use synonyms
 who did
exercise
Use synonyms
 daily between 25-34
age
Use synonyms
 and 35-44
age
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Then
Linking Words
, it reached a peak, which was about 53.3%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 45-54
age
Use synonyms
.
Next
Linking Words
, it slowly decreased to 53% and 47.1% when they were in 55-64
age
Use synonyms
 and over 65
age
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Submitted by lwinlwinthein2017 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words males, females, age, exercise with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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