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Band 5.5

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular activity in 2010.

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
The diagram gives information regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the percentage of physical
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
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 of males and females in Australia in 2010.
In
Change preposition
As
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 can be seen,
while
 women
more
Add a missing verb
are more
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 likely to do more physical efforts by the time they become older,
men
 demonstrated
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
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 status.
Firstly
,
men
 had their highest percentage in activities in their young age from 15 to 24, 52.8
percent
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per cent
show examples
,
while
 women had 47.7
percent
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per cent
show examples
.
However
, as
men
 become older, their loyalty toward
exercises
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exercise
show examples
 slightly plunged to 39.5
percent
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per cent
show examples
 in their 35-44
ages
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age
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. Meanwhile,
ladies
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ladies'
lady's
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 attempt spiked noticeably until they were 45- 54 ages, 53.3
percent
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per cent
show examples
, reaching their
peck
Correct your spelling
peak
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.
Afterward
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Afterwards
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, there was a dramatic increase
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 46.7
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 in physical activities
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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made by
Add an article
the male
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 until they were 65 and over. Contrary,
participation
Correct article usage
the participation
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 of females declined to 47.1% in
age
Add an article
the age
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 group 65 and over. To summarize,
although
 at a young
age
Add a comma
,age
show examples
men
 had made the majority of physical attempts, they were inferior to women as they grew older.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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