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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008 Summarise the information by selecting main features and make comparison where relevant

The chart below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full time work did after leaving college in 2008 Summarise the information by selecting main features and make comparison where relevant
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The diagrams
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 information about the
next
Linking Words
 decisions of the UK’s
graduates
Use synonyms
 and
postgraduates
Use synonyms
 who finished
study
Use synonyms
, except
choosing
Change preposition
for choosing
show examples
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
, in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen, the number of
postgraduates
Use synonyms
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 roughly 10 times less than
graduates
Use synonyms
;
whereas
Linking Words
, the trends showed similar patterns.
The most
Correct article usage
Most
show examples
students
Use synonyms
, who finished
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
, chose
further
Linking Words
study
Use synonyms
, clearly 29665
students
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, it was about 8 times more than
students
Use synonyms
 who chose
participating
Change the verb form
to participate
show examples
 in voluntary work, 3500. At that time, selectors of part-time work and unemployment were on average, 17735 and 16235, respectively. In terms of
postgraduates
Use synonyms
, they were nearly 10 times less than college
graduates
Use synonyms
. In 2008
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
postgraduates
Use synonyms
 chose either
further
Linking Words
study
Use synonyms
 or
part-time
Correct article usage
a part-time
show examples
 job, who were 2725 and 2535, respectively. On contrary, 345
students
Use synonyms
 tried voluntary activities.
Whereas
Linking Words
, 1625
postgraduates
Use synonyms
 have no jobs. In summary, both tables
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 common patterns;
while
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
graduates
Use synonyms
 have enrolled
Linking Words
further
Change preposition
in further
show examples
study
Use synonyms
, the least ones have decided to do voluntary
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further, whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words graduates, postgraduates, study, students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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