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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

This chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.

This chart below shows the number of men and women in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time.
#men #women #education #britain #three #periods
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This
Linking Words
 chart shows the
number
Use synonyms
 of men and women in
further
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 in Britain in three periods and the
education
Use synonyms
 could be categorized into two parts which are full-time
education
Use synonyms
 and
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
education
Use synonyms
. The three periods differ ten years each and we could see the trend
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 chart clearly that the
number
Use synonyms
 of full-time
education
Use synonyms
 in both
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 were increasing
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1970/71 to 1990/91
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. The
number
Use synonyms
 of full-time
education
Use synonyms
 in
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 rise up twice in 1980/81 when compares to 1970/71 in which
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 rise up gradually and constantly. On the other side, the
number
Use synonyms
 of part-time
education
Use synonyms
 is at least 4 times higher than full-time
education
Use synonyms
. If we look deeply
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the
number
Use synonyms
 swells
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every ten years
while
Linking Words
men
Add a verb
aremen
weremen
show examples
 quite flexible but it seems to
be lessen
Change the verb form
be lessened
show examples
 from the first period, 1970/71. The average
number
Use synonyms
 of part-time
education
Use synonyms
 in
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 are in the same range even though they are not in the same trends but the
number
Use synonyms
 of
female
Change to a plural noun
females
show examples
 who takes part-time
education
Use synonyms
 in 1990/91 rise up to the peak of all
education
Use synonyms
. So what we can infer from
this
Linking Words
 chart is that
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 tend to have higher
education
Use synonyms
. Especially
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
female
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
nowadays
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 and the
number
Use synonyms
 who takes part in
education
Use synonyms
 keeps increasing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every year.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 82%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, education with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 3 times.
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