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Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private-health care outweigh the advantages?

#people #health #service #companies #private-health #care
In today's era,
private-medical
Correct your spelling
private medical
show examples
facilities
 are dominating
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare. Some
people
 believe that running
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
services
 by
privately
Correct article usage
a privately
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 funded organization could have some demerits, so it should be restricted.
However
, a great number of
people
, including myself, are of the opinion that the pros of
this
 private service outweigh the cons. In
this
 essay, I will proffer the justification of my own belief on the matter.
They
Correct pronoun usage
Those
show examples
 who see more negative aspects
to have
Change preposition
of having
show examples
 medical
services
 owned by private companies claim that these organizations rely on profit
instead
 of improving
people
's health. Indeed, private healthcare
facilities
 are equipped with expensive equipment and advanced surgical instruments, so these all in total increase the cost of medical bills.
As a result
, patients are required to pay an enormous amount of money for a simple surgery or check-up.
Hence
, these
private-medical
Correct your spelling
private medical
show examples
centres
 create discrimination between the rich and the poor
people
, as the poorest citizens would not be able to afford
such
 a high cost of these
facilities
.
Nevertheless
, I firmly believe that there are more advantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
services
 managed by the private sector. First and
for most
Correct your spelling
foremost
show examples
, these medical
centres
 have adequate
facilities
 to hold large
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
 of patients and qualified staff that can treat life-threatening diseases,
such
 as Cancer and AIDS,
whereas
 the government
centres
 are usually equipped with superseded tools.
Hence
, those patients can have proper treatment for their medical condition.
Secondly
, these private
services
 may be able to provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical treatment to society members in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remote areas.
In other words
, there are thousands of rural places where the government cannot provide medical care because of their budget constraint.
Thus
, these
services
 may be leveraged to facilitate the
medial
Correct your spelling
medical
show examples
 treatment for those
people
 in countryside areas.
To sum up
, despite the concern
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the cost
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 private-sector medical
centres
, I still hold to the opinion that
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 points of these companies
outshine
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the drawbacks.
Submitted by konolif632 on

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Grammar
Improve your usage of pronouns for more clarity; 'they' in the 2nd paragraph is unclear.
Content
Use more specific examples to illustrate your point, especially when arguing for private sector advantages.
Style
Avoid repetitions and redundant phrasing; 'medical treatment' and 'medial treatment' in the 3rd paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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