IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private-health care outweigh the advantages?

#people #health #service #companies #private-health #care
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In today's era,
private-medical
Correct your spelling
private medical
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facilities
Use synonyms
 are dominating
in
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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healthcare. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that running
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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services
Use synonyms
 by
privately
Correct article usage
a privately
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 funded organization could have some demerits, so it should be restricted.
However
Linking Words
, a great number of
people
Use synonyms
, including myself, are of the opinion that the pros of
this
Linking Words
 private service outweigh the cons. In
this
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 essay, I will proffer the justification of my own belief on the matter.
They
Correct pronoun usage
Those
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 who see more negative aspects
to have
Change preposition
of having
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 medical
services
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 owned by private companies claim that these organizations rely on profit
instead
Linking Words
 of improving
people
Use synonyms
's health. Indeed, private healthcare
facilities
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 are equipped with expensive equipment and advanced surgical instruments, so these all in total increase the cost of medical bills.
As a result
Linking Words
, patients are required to pay an enormous amount of money for a simple surgery or check-up.
Hence
Linking Words
, these
private-medical
Correct your spelling
private medical
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centres
Use synonyms
 create discrimination between the rich and the poor
people
Use synonyms
, as the poorest citizens would not be able to afford
such
Linking Words
 a high cost of these
facilities
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.
Nevertheless
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, I firmly believe that there are more advantages
of
Change preposition
to
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 having
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical
services
Use synonyms
 managed by the private sector. First and
for most
Correct your spelling
foremost
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, these medical
centres
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 have adequate
facilities
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 to hold large
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
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 of patients and qualified staff that can treat life-threatening diseases,
such
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 as Cancer and AIDS,
whereas
Linking Words
 the government
centres
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 are usually equipped with superseded tools.
Hence
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, those patients can have proper treatment for their medical condition.
Secondly
Linking Words
, these private
services
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 may be able to provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical treatment to society members in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remote areas.
In other words
Linking Words
, there are thousands of rural places where the government cannot provide medical care because of their budget constraint.
Thus
Linking Words
, these
services
Use synonyms
 may be leveraged to facilitate the
medial
Correct your spelling
medical
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 treatment for those
people
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 in countryside areas.
To sum up
Linking Words
, despite the concern
of
Change preposition
about
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 the cost
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 private-sector medical
centres
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, I still hold to the opinion that
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
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 points of these companies
outshine
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the drawbacks.
Submitted by konolif632 on

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Grammar
Improve your usage of pronouns for more clarity; 'they' in the 2nd paragraph is unclear.
Content
Use more specific examples to illustrate your point, especially when arguing for private sector advantages.
Style
Avoid repetitions and redundant phrasing; 'medical treatment' and 'medial treatment' in the 3rd paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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