IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people feel that entertainers (e. g film stars, pop musicians, sports stars) are paid too much money. do you agree or disagree? which other types of job should be highly paid?

It is often said that public persons earn a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 at the same
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 there are many jobs
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are not so well paid despite
that
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 are very important for our society.From my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 I think we have to maintain a balance and
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not forget to invest in
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 activities
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are important too. Nowadays, we live in a century
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 looks up
for
Change preposition
to
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 the models.Children are very influenced by
influencing
Replace the word
influential
show examples
 people.
For example
Linking Words
, on the internet, there are many iconic persons who promote trips, clothes, games and so on.Adolescents want to become like
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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persons
Check wording
people
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.In order to be known on the market, many
companies'
Check wording
companies
show examples
appeals
Correct subject-verb agreement
appeal
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 to
the influence
Replace the word
influential
show examples
people for advertising and pay a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
.I think that in a way they deserve that
money
Use synonyms
 because it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard work to maintain you
on
Change preposition
at
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 the top . Another example is footballers who gain a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
, but they deserve
this
Linking Words
 because it is a sport
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 needs more physical effort,
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
this
Linking Words
 people are always away from their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.Pop music, film stars
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 in the same position, they have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
, but they
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
life has
Wrong verb form
have
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 to suffer.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we do not have to forget that, are many sports
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 deserve attention and
money
Use synonyms
, like handball, volleyball, gymnastics and so on.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, many sportsmen who represent us at a high level at the
Olympics
Fix the agreement mistake
Olympic
show examples
 Games
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not gain a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 sometimes they are forced to do their exercises in
unpropiate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
 halls without adequate equipment.The government should spend
money
Use synonyms
 too in the medical area, in many countries, there are doctors who
gain
Verb problem
earn
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 less
money
Use synonyms
that
Correct word choice
than
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 a public person,
although
Linking Words
 they save
peoples
Check wording
people's
show examples
 lives and learn a
lot
Use synonyms
 during
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 university years. Taking everything into consideration, entertainers have their own place in our life, we need them in some way
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, but at the same time we do not have to forget that other activities should be equally paid for their jobs.

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grammar
Use small, clear sentences. Fix big grammar mistakes to make ideas easy to read.
structure
Plan your answer first. Write a short intro, three body parts, and a clear end.
organization
Do one idea in each paragraph. Start with a topic sentence to show what the paragraph will talk about.
cohesion
Link ideas well. Use words like but, also, however, for example to connect ideas.
content
Give full examples and explain why the job should be paid well or not.
content
The essay shows a clear attempt to discuss both sides and to give a view.
cohesion
It uses some linking words to connect ideas.
overall
There is an ending that restates the view.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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