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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.

The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.
#show #percentage #water #purposes #six #areas #world
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The pie charts compare the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption for various usages in six
regions
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 of the world. Looking more closely at the trend of the charts, it can be clearly seen that, apart from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
North
America
Use synonyms
 and Europe where
water
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 is mostly used by industry,
agricutural
Correct your spelling
agricultural
agriculture
 accounts
fir
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for
show examples
 the majority of
Use synonyms
water
Add an article
the water
show examples
 used in all
regions
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the charts,
agricuture
Correct your spelling
agriculture
 is the main reason for
water
Use synonyms
 consumption in all areas except North
America
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 and Europe, ranging from 71% to almost 90%.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, about one-
third
Linking Words
 of
Use synonyms
water
Add an article
the water
show examples
 is used for
agricutural
Correct your spelling
agricultural
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
 in Europe and North
America
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.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 roughly half of
Use synonyms
water
Add an article
the water
show examples
 is
soncumed
Correct your spelling
consumed
 by industry in the two
regions
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 less than 13% of
water
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 is used for the same purpose in
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 four areas.
In addition
Linking Words
, among the percentage of domestic use, the figure is highest in South
America
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, accounting for approximately 19% of the total
water
Use synonyms
 use. Meanwhile,
this
Linking Words
 usage represents the lowest proportion in the other
regions
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, ranging from 7% to 15%. In
conslusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
argricuture
Correct your spelling
agriculture
 makes up for the majority of
water
Use synonyms
 usage
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many
region
Change to a plural noun
regions
show examples
.
Submitted by Kise Asanami on

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words water, regions, america with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • consumption
  • irrigation
  • domestic
  • industrial
  • regional disparity
  • economic structure
  • sustainable management
  • water-scarce
  • population density
  • urbanization
  • data trends
  • resource allocation
  • percentage distribution
  • extremes
  • variations
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