IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
These days, the number of children who are becoming obese has been increasing rapidly. There are schools of thought that the authorities should be solely responsible for
this
 alarming issue.
However
, I partly agree with the opinion. It is apparent that governments had better shoulder responsibility for the overweight issue among children. If there are any serious threats to people,
obesity
 as an example, the government should be the one who
realize
Suggestion
realizes
 the problems and put the optimal solutions into practice.
For instance
,
government
Suggestion
the government
 can put restrictions on the advertisements of fast food on the television or
in
Suggestion
on
 the internet to prevent children from pestering their parents to make
impulsive purchase
Suggestion
impulsive purchases
an impulsive purchase
on
Suggestion
of
 unhealthy items.
However
, I am of the opinion that the duty to combat
obesity
 is not merely of the government because
parents
Suggestion
the parents
also
 exert a significant influence on their
off-springs
the immediate descendants of a person
offspring
.
To begin
 with, parents can encourage their children to maintain a balanced diet and get away from low
calories
Suggestion
calorie
 products which are one of the main factors resulting in weight gain among children.
Additionally
, more physical activities should get involved in children’s daily routine to avoid sedentary lifestyle, which is believed to be one of the primary causes leading to
obesity
. Taking regular exercise will make a great contribution to building a fit and strong body,
thus
 restraining children from being overweight. In conclusion, childhood
obesity
 is an issue that needs to be tackled immediately. It is essential for both the authorities and parents to take
actions
Suggestion
action
 so that the problem can be solved quickly and effectively.
Submitted by Phương Thảo Đặng on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: