IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#businesses #women #maternity
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a suggestion for small-sized businesses that they should not employ single female workers as they will waste money on the
them
a cooperative unit (especially in sports)
team
 when they get pregnant. I,
however
, strongly disagree with
this
 statement for two reasons. To commence with, the discrimination between genders is considered unacceptable in the current scenario. Some mothers have to take maternity leave to take care of themselves and their offsprings.
On the other hand
, men have no excuse for making paternity leave because they are not the ones who carry the babies.
Therefore
, males can continue their work even though they have already gotten married or even had kids. Hypothetically, if young women employees are prohibited from applying the certain organizations, the number of male workers will certainly exceed that of females. From there, the companies might not only experience the imbalance between sexes, but they will
also
 lack new and active women.
As a result
, they eventually find recruiting those unwanted females important. Another reason is that
this
 will
indirectly but
Accept comma addition
indirectly, but
 significantly cause the lower birth rate as females tend to avoid getting married and giving birth before recruiting for the careers. As evidence suggests, a large number of newly graduated women need some places for the internship or full-time jobs in order to make their living and begin their own independent lives. Restricted by the given policy, many females would totally decide not to apply those certain businesses or not to get pregnant ever after, which affects the new generation born. In summary,
although
 the businesses may want to save cost for their management and investment, to halt employing unmarried females isn’t a good decision as its consequences can harm organizations’ future and deplete the whole population.
Submitted by Jarinyagon on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: