IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Friends and family bring more happiness than money and possessions. How far do you agree with this statement.

#friends #happiness #money #possessions
It is argued that
money
 and
properties
Fix the agreement mistake
property
show examples
 cannot give you a happy
life
. Definitely family and friends are important
issue
Change the noun form
issues
show examples
 in everyone's
life
. In my opinion,
this
 is totally true that
percious
Correct your spelling
precious
people
 in our lives are more crucial than
money
 and possessions, yet they have had a key role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a better
life
, but these cannot provide
happiness
 all of the time in your
life
. As all
people
 have a family and at least a close friend to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 with them to have some fun or participate
Change preposition
in their
show examples
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 best and worst
moment
Fix the agreement mistake
moments
show examples
 of their relationship and friendship as
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
percious
Correct your spelling
precious
.
However
, humans can make a family or friend, so in
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
people
 are important because they can bring
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
you
happiness
 or madness. It is notable that
fundamental
Correct article usage
the fundamental
show examples
 of a relationship is regarding by
delightfull
Correct your spelling
delightful
 and positive energy which these are
emerged
Wrong verb form
emerges
show examples
.
For example
, giving
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
birth to your child or
held
Wrong verb form
holding
show examples
 an anniversary party to your friend can bring
happiness
 and spread joy to anyone.
In addition
, objects
such
 as
money
 and properties can give you
an
Change the article
a
show examples
mazing
Correct your spelling
amazing
show examples
life
, but
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 not forever.
Happiness
 comes from
heart
Add an article
the heart
show examples
 which you can feel
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and get positive energy and properties
do
Correct pronoun usage
that do
show examples
 not feel that, nontheless they can provide joy.
For instance
, many
people
 live in poverty
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 some children have had
disadvantages
Replace the word
disadvantaged
show examples
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
, but they are happy. Striving to cheer you and your relatives up is a crucial treatment that you can do .
To sum up
,
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 and
friendship
Fix the agreement mistake
friendships
show examples
are playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 a key role
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
 because these are strong
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 fundamental
happiness
.
Although
,
money
 and
possession
Fix the agreement mistake
possessions
show examples
 provide
joyful
Replace the word
joy
show examples
anytime
Correct your spelling
time
show examples
,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
in my view, it is temporary and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
does not come from a real heart and
felling
Correct your spelling
feeling
show examples
.
Submitted by Mojtaba Shiralian on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction is unclear and the conclusion is not well-developed. The essay lacks clarity and coherence in expressing ideas. The examples used are somewhat relevant. The overall task response is adequate, but the ideas need to be presented more comprehensively.
Task Achievement
The response to the task is somewhat complete, but the ideas lack clarity and specific details. The examples used are somewhat relevant to the topic, but the essay does not fully address the prompt. The ideas need to be expressed more clearly and comprehensively to achieve a higher score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: