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Writing Samples
Band 5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

#children #time #computer #games #sports #development
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While
children
 these days are more inclined to use electronic
devices
, outdoor games remain the most effective way of not only building team skills, but
also
 keeping them healthy.
However
, in my opinion, parents and schools do not pay enough attention to the screen
time
 of the younger ones.
This
 essay will discuss the reasons why
children
 tend to spend more
time
 on these
devices
 and how badly it can affect their development. Several schools have started to implement iPads into their study plans, which give students unnecessary early exposure to digital
devices
.
Although
this
 improves the quality of education, and makes the lessons more interesting, using these
devices
 for a good part of their day, at school,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them more
addictive
Replace the word
addicted
show examples
 to it.
Moreover
, it's not practical for a teacher to be able to supervise all students.
For example
, some students may start indulging in fun activities without the
know how
Add a hyphen
know-how
show examples
 of the teacher in charge and switch back when he or she is approaching them.
On the other hand
, unsupervised screen
time
 at home makes it even worse. Most parents,
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of knowledge or to get some
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
time
 to themselves, allow their
children
 to use
devices
 as long as they are busy.
This
 contributes even more to their addiction and makes the child less social. In conclusion, playing computer games
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the cost of outdoor activities for
children
 is harmful to their mental development. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it may be because of the early exposure to computers at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 or unattended
time
 on these
devices
 at home.
Submitted by MK on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are stronger and more explicit. Develop a clear and comprehensive idea at the beginning of each body paragraph. Use more relevant specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, consider providing more relevant specific examples to support your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
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