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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays in many countries more and more people are spending their time away from their families. Why is this? What are the effects on themselves and on their families?

#countries #people #time #families #effects
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In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern life, there are more and more
people
Use synonyms
 spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the major causes and possible influences of
this
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 phenomenon.
To begin
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 with, there are several explanations that are worth mentioning about
this
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 issue. The first reason is that
due to
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 the fast pace of modern life,
people
Use synonyms
 are now living a busier one and devoting an increasing amount of
time
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
. It is increasingly common that
people
Use synonyms
 tend to lose the balance between family and clerical
work
Use synonyms
 since they usually spend more
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
 and do not come home until late at night.
For example
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,
due to
Linking Words
 the heavy
workload
Add a comma
workload,
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 many workers have to
work
Use synonyms
 more than 10 hours a day, and sometimes they are required to
work
Use synonyms
 during
weekend
Add an article
the weekend
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 or overnight to meet the deadline. The rapid development of social media is the second reason for
this
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 trend. That parents and
children
Use synonyms
 stay together but hold their own mobile phones or laptops to communicate with online friends on Facebook
instead
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 of talking with each other is easily seen these days.
This
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 rising issue is having considerable impacts on both individuals themselves and family.
First,
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it is believed that family is where
people
Use synonyms
 can share their feelings and problems, which
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 them to release their stress.
However
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, an individual may experience emotional distress if they do not receive proper support from his/ her immediate family.
Second,
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the bonds between parents and
children
Use synonyms
 may be weakened.
For instance
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, when parents do not spend much
time
Use synonyms
 with their
children
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, their
children
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 will lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
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appropriate parental care and attention and are likely to follow a path towards criminal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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. In conclusion, there are two main factors leading to the fact that
people
Use synonyms
 hardly make
time
Use synonyms
 for their family and not only individuals but
also
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 the family may suffer from
this
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 trend in both physical and emotional ways.
Submitted by Andy on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clearly present and effectively summarize the key points and opinions of the essay. Also, make sure to maintain a consistent line of reasoning and linkage of ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
Provide a more comprehensive and clear analysis of the reasons for the trend and its impacts on individuals and families. Make sure to fully address the prompt, including both the causes and effects, and provide specific examples to support your points.
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