IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women
Competition has always been present in human lives. Some people argue that the competitive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
 gender is more natural than the other one. I partly agree with the statement and
this
 essay will elaborate more. First of all, I believe that history can show that
men
 were those who carried the aptitude or even veiled responsibility
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 competitiveness.
Whereas
 women’s tasks were taking care of children and being housewives,
men
 had to provide food and safety for their families.
As a result
, they normally
have
Wrong verb form
had
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 to compete among themselves for land or
honor
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honour
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, or just to demonstrate which man
were
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was
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 the strongest to be the leader or the chief.
Furthermore
,
until
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days, even in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
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, it is common to see
men
 competing to prove who is more capable or has the biggest salary.
However
, as far as I am concerned,
this
 can be explained by women’s lack of opportunities. In the
past
Add a comma
past,
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 they were not allowed to participate in
such
 ambitious events and dispute positions just because of their sex. Differently, nowadays every sport that allows males to show their grandiosity
,
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apply
show examples
also
 has space for the other gender and sometimes, the
last
 ones have uppermost results.
For instance
, Marta, a Brazilian soccer player,
have
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has
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 won more “Ballon
D’or
Correct your spelling
d’Or
” than any other man alive.
Hence
, I
also
 agree that in an
equally
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equal
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 system, females can prove their worth and determination.
To conclude
,
although
 I agree that historically it is possible to relate a great sense and disposition to competitiveness to
men
, I can not ignore the fact that women are proving in numbers and attitude that they can be equally or even more competitive than the opposite sex.
Submitted by gusttmarquez on

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task response
Your essay adequately addresses the prompt and presents a clear position on the topic. Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your opinion on the issue to provide a stronger task response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and the paragraphs are well-connected. Work on refining your introduction and conclusion to create a more impactful overall structure.

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