IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that young people should spend their free time with their families instead of enjoying outside entertainment. However, others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Many people hold a contrarian view regarding the spending of
time
Use synonyms
 in leisure activities.
Linking Words
while
Fix capitalization
While
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 many argue that it is better to allocate
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
 in
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
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 with family members to keep the culture intact, I think engaging in other forms of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 essential
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be integrated with family members. Family forms the priority to encourage social development in the technology-dominated world. These days, youngsters are addicted completely to modern gadgets like computers connected with
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Punctuation problem
internet,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 has diverted their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 to the virtual world. It,
thus
Linking Words
, leaves them disintegrated from their family.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family would build the cultural qualities that are
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the verge of extinction.
For instance
Linking Words
, several youths have embraced the modern culture motivated by western qualities which have superseded the old
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
include
Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
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 dining together, watching
entertainment
Use synonyms
 together, and helping them
completing
Wrong verb form
complete
show examples
 household
.
Check wording
chores.
show examples
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are two main reasons why the diversity of free-
time
Use synonyms
 activity must
also
Linking Words
 take place. One main reason is to destress from
burdensome
Correct article usage
a burdensome
show examples
 daily routine.
For example
Linking Words
, nowadays, most of the young ones are either engaged in academic or other work-related activities that make them feel exhausted. If they
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 in
outside
Correct article usage
the outside
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 environment, they will be able to reverse
this
Linking Words
 abnormal mental strain and revive themselves. Another reason is
outside
Correct word choice
that outside
show examples
entertainment
Use synonyms
 increases the network of like-minded people. Unlike only spending
time
Use synonyms
 with family members, the
time
Use synonyms
 spent through association with people at sports centres, clubs or public parks develops a building of potential relationships that are linked with professional goals. In conclusion, in my opinion, giving
time
Use synonyms
 to family is vital for the social development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals, but it should not restrict them from exploring
entertainment
Use synonyms
 that takes
away
Correct pronoun usage
them away
show examples
 from home. Certainly
spending
Punctuation problem
, spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 outside is
also
Linking Words
 essential to
build
Wrong verb form
building
show examples
 external relationships and
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 stress, though sometimes these kinds of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 be done with families.

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task
Task response: The essay states both sides and your view, but make your main view very clear in the opening and end with a strong last line. Add 1 clear example for each side to support your points.
coherence
Coherence: Use a simple order of ideas. Start with one reason, then the other, then a short finish. Use clear linking words like also, but, and, in addition.
grammar
Grammar: Check mistakes in sentences. Try to use shorter sentences. Use plain words to avoid hard grammar.
structure
Clear plan with three parts and a closing.
linking
Good use of connect words to show links.
content
The writer shows a view and gives reasons for both sides.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • bond
  • relationship
  • communication
  • experience
  • learn
  • opportunity
  • exposure
  • culture
  • perspective
  • development
  • interest
  • skill
  • socialize
  • peer
  • broaden
  • horizon
  • opinion
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