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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent you agree or disagree?

Age
Correct article usage
The age
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 between 13 and 20 is known to be a very tender age. As a person contains an enormous amount of energy within itself,
Now
Rephrase
apply
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the
point
Check wording
question
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 is whether that self-driven energy has been
utilizing
Verb problem
utilised
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 in the right way or not. Though
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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Some
Fix capitalization
some
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 hold the opinion that the surge in the crime rate among youngsters is
due to
Linking Words
 the effect of harsh online gaming. Before I
will
Verb problem
apply
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furnish my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the various aspects of
this
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 notion.
To begin
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 with, there are always multiple factors
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
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 behind any illegal activity which is polluting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. It has been observed that since the
last
Linking Words
 decade it has been reported that the number of teenagers involved in unlawful activities has been increasing devastatingly.
Nevertheless
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, the surrounding in which the child grew up plays a vital role in the development of his personality. Perhaps, Bad influence can
also
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 lead
young
Correct article usage
a young
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 one to
Verb problem
get involve
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involve
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in some criminal activity.
For example
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, it has been observed that even children of upper-class families have been caught in the case of theft
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the reason is that they do it for fun,not for money or things.
Furthermore
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, we cannot ignore the fact that some brutal
act
Fix the agreement mistake
acts
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on
Change preposition
in
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 video games have been playing drastically with tender minds and controlling their emotions by manipulating their weak spots.
For instance
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,
Famous
Correct article usage
the Famous
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 game "
blue
Fix capitalization
Blue
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 Whale'
utilizing
Verb problem
utilises
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 a person's personal information and
exploit
Correct subject-verb agreement
exploits
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 them to hurt their own selves and
attend
Verb problem
lead to
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 suicides.
In addition
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, games promoting
vulgarity
Replace the word
vulgar
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 content
resulting
Replace the word
result
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 in high rape cases.
To conclude
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, I do not completely agree with the school of thought that only video games are the fundamental reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 increasing felony rates
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 other significant factors
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 society's influence,the impact of
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 and
incident
Fix the agreement mistake
incidents
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
that happens
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happens
Correct subject-verb agreement
happen
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 recently in someone's
life
Punctuation problem
life,
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plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
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 a key role
to encourage
Change preposition
in encouraging
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 him/her to be a lawbreaker.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first paragraph. Say if you agree or not, then why, then end with a short thought.
coherence
Use clear links between ideas. Use simple words like also, but, and then. Make sure each idea fits with the last.
coherence
Use one idea per paragraph and start with a short topic sentence. Keep your ideas easy and flow well.
task response
Check your grammar. Use shorter sentences and common words so it is easy to read.
content
Clear stance on the topic.
content
Some good use of examples.
structure
Essay shows plan with introduction and conclusion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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