IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions?

It is commonly believed that
people
Use synonyms
 who are obsessed with money
would be
Verb problem
are
show examples
 hard workers in the
sales
Use synonyms
 sphere
hence
Linking Words
 they are ideal for employers. In my firm conviction money is not the only thing that could cause productive work,
moreover
Linking Words
, if an employee is sociable, energetic, and persuasive the company should take into account
this
Linking Words
 person.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is not necessarily that for all workers the higher
salary
Correct article usage
the salary
show examples
 the more
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 they would do. If the working place has
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
show examples
 and cosy atmosphere
then
Linking Words
 the job becomes more pleasant,
thus
Linking Words
 not the only boss would think about
improvement
Correct article usage
the improvement
show examples
 of his business but
also
Linking Words
 workers, who with pleasure and care would try their best to drive the company to the rooftop.
For example
Linking Words
, in South Korea,
market places
Correct your spelling
marketplaces
show examples
 are famous for their special conditions for
people
Use synonyms
 who work in the shop
such
Linking Words
 as free spa attending, a coffee room, and monthly outings with all colleagues. Another thing is that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personality
is playing
Wrong verb form
plays
show examples
 a crucial role in hiring
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in the marketing sphere.
In other words
Linking Words
, the person who would sell products is not only presenting the company but
also
Linking Words
 communicating with customers, who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a profit source and should be catered
in
Change preposition
to in
show examples
 the proper way. To confirm, recent research
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 employees’ characteristics shows that most
sales
Use synonyms
 companies are looking for
people
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
who possessed
show examples
possessed
Wrong verb form
possess
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
communicativeness, persuasiveness, and responsibility. In conclusion, it
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 always that money would be an engine to force
people
Use synonyms
 to perform harder and make
sales
Use synonyms
 higher. I take the view that love of your business could bring more effort to an employee,
furthermore
Linking Words
, social activity and talent in representing things are features which would be a valuable benefit for the seeking job in
sales
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
Consider developing your introduction to include a clearer stance on the topic and revisit it in the conclusion for reinforcement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by using more cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to better guide the reader through your arguments.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples that demonstrate your points. For instance, details about the companies in South Korea could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on the topic and discusses various factors that influence motivation in the workplace, which is commendable.
Task Achievement
You have successfully identified important qualities needed in sales roles, such as sociability and persuasiveness, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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