IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. (To what extent do you agree or disagree.)

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child’s #health
Presently, kids do a
lot
 of
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 that make their
health
 worse
such
 as watch TV programs to long and play many games. From my point of view, I strongly agree that these activities are made
they
Delete the pronoun
apply
show examples
unhealthy. Several people believe that children who watch movies a
lot
,
are not make
Change the verb form
are not making
show examples
 their
health
 bad because some companies invent about electronic items that protect their eyes.
For example
, in the past mobile phone do not have
p
Add an article
a
the
show examples
rogram to protect people eyes, when they play or use phones for a long time. In the present, every
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
 brand has
f
Add an article
a
the
show examples
unction to safe people eyes called Blue Light
Hazand
Correct your spelling
Hazard
, so it is not only useful and helpful
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 safe people who want to watch or play something for a long time.
On the other hand
, more and more people argue that do electronic activities are made their
health
 worse because there are a
lot
 of effects. Instance, when some children watch TV, play games and etc. They are not a concentration and they will be a hyper. People who be
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
hyper, when they work or study, they can not do a long time.
Thus
, if parents limit their youth about watch movies and etc, youth will not have
health
 problems and it can
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 young guys spend a
lot
 of times with their parents more than stay on computer or television. To sum up, young people around the world prefer to spend many times to watch films,play video games and etc.
Although
 other people including me believe that these routines are bad for individual child's
health
.
Submitted by thanaruporn.1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: