IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that public health is a the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Everyone desires better health. It is argued that
who
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 is responsible for public health either the government or the people. In my opinion, both the authorities and the public have their responsibilities towards the well-being of society.
While
Linking Words
 the sedentary lifestyle of the population leads to unhealthy eating, the low taxes imposed by the states on junk food and carbonated drinks encourage their consumption. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, the responsibility for the
mass’s
Check wording
masses’
show examples
 health will be discussed.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in the contemporary world, the sedentary lifestyle has made its own place. Now, people
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of laziness, prefer to eat outside rather than cooking at home.
As a result
Linking Words
, a large quantity of
high gluten
Use the right word
high-gluten
show examples
 food items is being consumed
Punctuation problem
, welcoming
show examples
welcoming
Verb problem
leading to
show examples
 obesity and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other issues.
For example
Linking Words
, a study done by the University of Cambridge,
England
Punctuation problem
England,
show examples
eludes
Verb problem
suggests
show examples
 that individuals who favour junk food are more obese than individuals who prefer home-cooked meals.
Thus
Linking Words
, the habit of eating unhealthy meals leads to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor well-being of individuals.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the government do play a role in public well-being. Because the authorities do not charge any significant amount of taxes on sodas and
packed
Replace the word
packaged
show examples
 meals
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them easily accessible
for
Change preposition
to
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 the public.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
low nutritional
Use the right word
low-nutritional
show examples
 edibles are being promoted indirectly.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey conducted by the University of Oxford, United
Kingdom
Punctuation problem
Kingdom,
show examples
 shows that people choose sodas which are cheap
instead
Linking Words
 of an expensive one.
Hence
Linking Words
, the government should impose significant duties on cuisines which are detrimental to public well-being. In summary, both the states and the citizens have responsibilities toward a healthier nation.
Masses
Correct article usage
The masses
show examples
 should opt
home-cooked
Change preposition
for home-cooked
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meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the authorities must impose higher duties on carbonated beverages and junk
foodstuff
Check wording
food
show examples
.

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task response
Add more clear support for each idea. Give concrete reasons and easy examples that relate to the topic.
coherence
Make each paragraph start with a clear topic sentence and stay on one main idea per paragraph.
coherence
Improve flow between sentences with linking words like also, for example, because, however.
coherence
Fix grammar and word form (eg, government does play, not government do; suggests, not eludes).
lexical
Use simple word choice and avoid wrong terms (eg, gluten, edibles). Prefer 'unhealthy foods' or 'junk food'.
structure
There is a clear plan and your view is stated.
coherence
You use basic linking words to show contrast and order.
content
You mention studies, showing an effort to support ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public health
  • Government responsibility
  • Individual responsibility
  • Vaccination programs
  • Anti-smoking campaigns
  • Subsidized medical services
  • Healthcare accessibility
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Food safety regulations
  • Pollution control
  • Occupational safety
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Self-education
  • Proactive management
  • Personalized healthcare
  • Comprehensive health system
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