Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Other think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #women #men #job #police

According to

some individuals,

women

should be given equal importance as males for job applications

such

as the military

whereas

others believe that

women

are less capable of doing

this

kind of appointment. In my opinion, gender shouldn’t be a factor

while

choosing the right candidate and

women

possess more abilities as compared to

men

in any field.

To begin

with, girls are actively taking part in swimming, karate, and weightlifting

and

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

depict

Wrong verb form

depicting

show examples

the competitive nature comparatively.

This

shows their mental and physical strength which is of the utmost importance when joining the police force or military.

For instance

, a majority of games in the Olympics,

Such

as shooting,

wrestling

Correct word choice

and wrestling

show examples

are being played by

women

and have won medals in the respective field, highly encouraging other

women

to participate.

Thus

women

should be considered equal to

men

, even if the job application is for defending the country.

On the other hand

, few of the masses think that

women

are not capable

to carry

Change preposition

of carrying

show examples

out certain jobs

due to

various reasons.

Firstly

, people believe that physical strength is vital to

become

Wrong verb form

becoming

show examples

a police officer or

join

Wrong verb form

joining

show examples

the military and

women

have less stamina for the job.

For example

while

catching a thief, a law enforcement officer needs to run fast to get hold of the burglar.

Secondly

, few

women

prefer to stay at home and look after their

toddler

Fix the agreement mistake

toddlers

show examples

or in-laws,

whereas

some wives are intrigued by corporate jobs.

Thus

, working as a police or in the military should totally depend on the

women

Fix the agreement mistake

woman

show examples

herself rather than judging her physical power. In my opinion,

women

should be given opportunities to showcase their talent to join the national defence as compared to

men

To conclude

while

some

opinion

Fix the agreement mistake

opinions

show examples

may vary, I have a firm conviction that

women

should be treated equally as compared to

men

and jobs to serve the nation should be offered to

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

suitable

candidate

Fix the agreement mistake

candidates

show examples

irrespective of gender

Submitted by rajeev kumar on Mon Feb 22 2021

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task response

Inadequate development of introduction and conclusion. The essay does not fully address the prompt and overlooks some crucial aspects. More focus and attention to the task should be given.

coherence and cohesion

There is a logical structure in the essay, but the introduction and conclusion are weak and lack depth. The essay lacks coherence in connecting ideas and could benefit from better transition and paragraphing. Linking words and cohesive devices should be used to improve coherence and make the argument more persuasive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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14Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

319 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or military. Other think that women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some people think that girls should take their husband's name after marriage while others feel that they should not follow this age old tradition. What is your opinion

Many companies offer their employees the opportunity to work from home. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working from home for the company.

Many believe that living in a city offers greater benefits compared to life in the countryside. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Unemployment is one of the biggest problems of contemporary society. What do you think are the main causes of unemployment? What solutions can you suggest?