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Writing Samples
Band 5

Computer games and films containing violence are popular today. Some people think that these are harmful for our society and the government should ban them. Others argue that such games and films are fine for entertainment. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

While
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 many are of the belief that new entertainment tools
such
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 as electronic games and films are promoting ruthlessness among individuals, others assume that these are simply a part of the wide variety of entertainment tools that
people
Use synonyms
 can rejoice in. Both sides of the argument have compelling
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 for their point of view which will be discussed in detail, followed by my own take on the matter. On the one hand, there are those justifying that the right to freedom of choice is of paramount importance
which
Correct word choice
and
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 should be respected by society.
That is
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 to argue that authorities in a society are not entitled to choose how
people
Use synonyms
 should
be enjoying
Wrong verb form
enjoy
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 their spare time.
Further
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,
this
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 could give the government improper right to interfere in other aspects of citizen’s privacy.
Additionally
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, being exposed to hypothetically dangerous situations can enhance the audience’s critical thinking leading to more prepared reactions in confronting threats.
On the other hand
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, the opposing view asserts that being exposed to constant unmerciful actions might trigger real violence in the streets. Games and movies containing unruly behaviour aimed at youngsters have increased immensely.
This
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 damaging trend could turn these underage viewers into offenders since they can differentiate distinctly between reality and fiction, so they might choose to try what they have watched in real life.
In addition
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, having constant contact with violent entertainment will impact
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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 stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
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. Watching scenes full of bullying and aggressive behaviour not only will make
people
Use synonyms
 anxious but
also
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leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to
even
Rephrase
apply
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severe diseases
such
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 as high blood pressure or even heart strokes.
To sum up
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, there are valid arguments on both sides of
this
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 contentious topic,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 it is my firm conviction that the drawbacks of viewing violent movies and games outweigh
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 merits on the grounds that they have negative effects on our physical or emotional conditions which can be long lasting.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or case studies to reinforce your points, particularly in relation to the impact of violent games and films on behaviour. This would enhance task achievement and make your arguments clearer and more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is explicitly stated and linked to the overall argument. This will improve coherence and help guide the reader through your essay more effectively.
task achievement
Try to expand more on the opposing views, by detailing why some may think that violent games and films can be beneficial. This could strengthen your argument by showcasing a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for the discussion and shows understanding of both perspectives, which is a strong start to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
You effectively use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures, which adds to the overall sophistication of your writing and keeps the reader engaged.
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