IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #people #government #responsibility
In
this
 day and age, obesity has become one of the most serious health threats among people of all ages, especially the youth. Some people hold the view that the authorities should be in charge of the phenomenon; personally, I partly agree with
this
 statements.
To begin
 with, the government can minimize overweightness by a myriad of resolutions.
Firstly
, campaigns should be organized to raise
children
's awareness of obesity. Accurate information about the drawbacks of
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 can be mentioned, and teachers need to encourage young
children
 to exercise regularly and follow healthy diets.
Another measures
Replace the adjective
Another measure
Other measures
show examples
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be taken might be applying junk food prohibition. The selling of the products should be taxed heavily, or attractive advertisements on mass media can be prevented.
This
 will considerably contribute to
reduction
Add an article
the reduction
a reduction
show examples
 of the consumption of unhealthy food.
However
, it is the responsibility of
children
’s own and their parents should be involved. Because the seniors are much more experienced and
knowledageable
Correct your spelling
knowledgeable
, they play an important role in keeping an eye on the youngsters’ diets. Specifically, parents should put
limitation
Add an article
a limitation
show examples
 on the amount of
fast food
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
 consumed by the
children
. Balanced meals should consist of an acceptable level of vitamin, fat, and protein which is highly recommended to be taken into consideration.
Furthermore
, the
children
 must be aware of the
pohenomenon
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 because of its danger, even fatality. Teenagers would keep themselves active and positive to avoid keep gaining weight and live a negative lifestyle. In conclusion, obesity has already been a bone of contention, which is believed to require rapid actions from the authorities.
However
, it is not only the responsibility of the government, families should get themselves involved.
Submitted by Dương Nguyễn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: