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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960,2010

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960,2010
The pie charts give information regarding the proportion of employees working in three fields which are manufacturing, sales and
services
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 in
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town
Fix the agreement mistake
towns
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 A and
B
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 over a period of 50
years
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. From the general perspective, the
services
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sector
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 was the lowest rate in the year
of
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apply
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1960 .
However
Linking Words
, it was an upward trend which is the service become popular in work over the
next
Linking Words
 50
years
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 in
town
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 A
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
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manufacturing is the highest
sectors
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sector
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 that
employee
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employees
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chosen
Wrong verb form
chose
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 between 1960 and 2010 in
town
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B
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. Looking at the first chart, it is immediately obvious that the
percentage
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 of producing accounted for 41%, which is the highest rate
in
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of
show examples
 work in 1960. 50
years
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 later, there was a significant decrease to 20%.
Likewise
Linking Words
, the proportion of a sales-related job made up slightly more than a quarter after dropping to 16%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there was the lowest rate in the number of the service field, just 29%. The
percentage
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 of
services
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 dramatically rose by 35% and it
also
Linking Words
 was the highest
sector
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 in
town
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 A in the year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2010. It can be seen that in
town
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B
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, the
sector
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 with the highest
percentage
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 of
career attracting
Add a hyphen
career-attracting
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 workers
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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was
a
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apply
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manufacturing, at 70% in 1960.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there was a sharp decline of 17%
as well as
Linking Words
 it still was the
sector
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 commonly selected by inhabitants in
town
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B
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 over the
next
Linking Words
 50
years
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.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the
percentage
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 of both sales and
services
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 sectors were lower at 20% and 10%, respectively. After that, there
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased to 22% and 25%, respectively from 1960 to 2010 in
town
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B
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "next".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words services, town, b, years, sector, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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