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Band 5.5

The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

#availability #entertainment #video #games #devices #individuals #society
It is true that nowadays there are dramatic changes
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
virtual entertainment
devices
. , but some
people
 believe that
this
 phenomenon can bring several negative impacts on individuals and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I personally believe that there is no evidence to justify
this
 view.
First
 and obviously,
although
 it may be beneficial, entertainment on
Correct your spelling
handheld
show examples
handhold
Correct your spelling
handheld
show examples
devices
 can bring about several negative impacts. Video games are additive so many young
people
 these days spend too much
time
 on their
devices
 and
therefor
Correct your spelling
therefore
show examples
 isolate themselves from others.
This
 lack of face-to-face interaction not only hurts many
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 relationships but
also
 increase
risk
Correct article usage
the risk
show examples
 of mental health issues among young
people
.
In
addition
Add a comma
,addition
show examples
 when
people
 waste large amounts of
time
 on virtual
devices
, they tend to be less physically active, which can in the end lead to problems with eyesight,
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and posture.
Furthermore
, lack of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 over a long period of
time
 makes
people
 vulnerable to metabolic diseases
such
 as obesity, which cause
of
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apply
show examples
deterioration of health.
Secondly
,
although
 there
are
Change the verb form
is
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 available many
type
Change to a plural noun
types
show examples
 of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 in
handhold
Correct your spelling
handheld
show examples
devices
,
people
 suffer from
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of stress,
people
 spend a lot of
time
 in front of virtual
devices
 and it is harmful from different sides.
For example
, spend
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
 amount of
time
 in front of virtual games, we lose our precious
time
also
 it profound on our
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and memory. In conclusion, society already used to gadgets, handheld
devices
 which harmful as explained previously.
Although
 the accessibility of entertainment on portable
devices
 can result in many health risks, they can
also
 be effective stress relievers for numerous
people
, and encourage the networking of like-minded individuals across the globe
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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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