To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim

#happiness #relationships #people #friends #colleagues #wealth #occupations #second #place #support

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In the recent world, the living style and thinking of

people

Use synonyms

have been changed as compared to

traditional

Add an article

the traditional

show examples

world.

Furthermore

Linking Words

people

Use synonyms

have become more career-oriented and busy in the race of increasing their wealth. But it is undeniable that the secret of real happiness is still associated with friends and family.

This

Linking Words

will be proven by bringing up the example of superstars who spent most of their time in loneliness and in depression despite

Remove the preposition

apply

show examples

having all luxuries. To demonstrate that money can not buy happiness, the activity of wealthy nation can be taken as an example

such

Linking Words

as it is commonly seen in the news that there are many actors, singers and athletes who take anti-depression medicines and comment suicide in spite of having bank balances, living in Villas and living a life that we can only imagine.

This

Linking Words

proves that fame and luxury are not adequate for inner peace and self-contentment.

Secondly

Linking Words

, we can not create emotions and

feeling

Fix the agreement mistake

feelings

show examples

somesone

Correct your spelling

someone

someone's

heart by the use of materialistic things.

Lets

Replace the word

Let's

Let us

show examples

take an example of

people

Use synonyms

living in few decades

whoes

Correct your spelling

whose

who's

life were more simple and natural

Linking Words

then

Replace the word

than

show examples

our and they had true affection towards their relations as they spent most of their time with their blood relations and friends.

Furthermore

Linking Words

, they valued

ther

Correct your spelling

their

the

relatives over money.

In contrast

Linking Words

Correct your spelling

nowadays

show examples

nowaday

Correct your spelling

nowadays

show examples

people

Use synonyms

are focusing

their

Change preposition

on their

show examples

professions due to technological advancement that requires more working hours and keep them

oocupied

Correct your spelling

occupied

. Indeed, that contributes to

keep

Change the verb form

keeping

show examples

them away to build

strong

Add an article

a strong

show examples

connection

Fix the agreement mistake

connections

show examples

with friends and family

member

Fix the agreement mistake

members

show examples

. By considering all the aforementioned reasons,

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

self-satisfaction and happiness can be brought neither by luxuries nor by having

Correct your spelling

highest

heighest

Correct article usage

the heighest

show examples

post in any profession. Every living human being needs connection with relations to

reamin

Correct your spelling

remain

halthy

Correct your spelling

healthy

and peaceful

Submitted by sidramansoor92 on Sun Jul 04 2021

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

Dear + name
Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

6
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
21
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Single idea per paragraph

Greeting and closing

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Suitable writing tone

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

291 words

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To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim

The Greeting

In many countries governments are investing in new technology to deal with the public. Why is this happening? Do you think this is an appropriate use of government universities.

It is often thought that an increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. To what extent do you agree or disasgree ?

Schools should stop using books for teaching children as they find them boring and use films tv and computer instead. to what extent do you agree and disagree?

Some people think that children should be raised by all the family members (eg: uncle, aunt and grandparents) rather than only parents. Give your opinion.