IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim

#happiness #relationships #people #friends #colleagues #wealth #occupations #second #place #support
In the recent world, the living style and thinking of
people
 have been changed as compared to
traditional
Add an article
the traditional
show examples
 world.
Furthermore
,
people
 have become more career-oriented and busy in the race of increasing their wealth. But it is undeniable that the secret of real happiness is still associated with friends and family.
This
 will be proven by bringing up the example of superstars who spent most of their time in loneliness and in depression despite
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
having all luxuries. To demonstrate that money can not buy happiness, the activity of wealthy nation can be taken as an example
such
 as it is commonly seen in the news that there are many actors, singers and athletes who take anti-depression medicines and comment suicide in spite of having bank balances, living in Villas and living a life that we can only imagine.
This
 proves that fame and luxury are not adequate for inner peace and self-contentment.
Secondly
, we can not create emotions and
feeling
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feelings
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 in
somesone
Correct your spelling
someone
someone's
 heart by the use of materialistic things.
Lets
Replace the word
Let's
Let us
show examples
 take an example of
people
 living in few decades
whoes
Correct your spelling
whose
who's
 life were more simple and natural
then
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than
show examples
 our and they had true affection towards their relations as they spent most of their time with their blood relations and friends.
Furthermore
, they valued
ther
Correct your spelling
their
the
 relatives over money.
In contrast
,
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nowadays
show examples
nowaday
Correct your spelling
nowadays
show examples
,
people
 are focusing
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 professions due to technological advancement that requires more working hours and keep them
oocupied
Correct your spelling
occupied
. Indeed, that contributes to
keep
Change the verb form
keeping
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 them away to build
strong
Add an article
a strong
show examples
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 with friends and family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
. By considering all the aforementioned reasons,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
self-satisfaction and happiness can be brought neither by luxuries nor by having
Correct your spelling
highest
heighest
Correct article usage
the heighest
show examples
 post in any profession. Every living human being needs connection with relations to
reamin
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remain
halthy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 and peaceful
Submitted by sidramansoor92 on

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The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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