IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. Do what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #services
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 has been utilizing
tremendous
Correct article usage
a tremendous
show examples
 amount of resources and wealth among music, art, theatre and politics etc, which is not beneficial for
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public.
Government
 should spend more
money
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
Correct your spelling
public
pubilc
Correct article usage
the pubilc
show examples
sector
 rather than
private
Add an article
the private
show examples
sector
 to provide benefits to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
. 
First
 of all, I would like to mention that
money
 plays an important part to strengthen any system, it does not matter
whather
Correct your spelling
whether
 it is private or public.
Government
 should spend more
money
 on
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 system in order to
enhnace
Correct your spelling
enhance
 the working capacity of public offices, it will not even help
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
 population but
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 will be able to win the trust of
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
.
Secondly
, more investment will bring more job
opportunties
Correct your spelling
opportunities
opportunity
 for
youngester
Correct your spelling
youngster
youngsters
 which will help to decrease
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 and poverty rate. It will
also
 help to increase
quality
Add an article
the quality
show examples
 of living for
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
show examples
 class people. 
Furthermore
, More use of wealth among
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
 will
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 help to provide free public health services
such
Add the preposition
with such
show examples
better
Change preposition
as better
show examples
 treatment and
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 hospital
environement
Correct your spelling
environment
 to
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 population which will decrease the mortality rate and death rate.
On the other hand
,
private
Add an article
the private
show examples
sector
 will not be able to lure the general population by offering different expensive
treatment
Fix the agreement mistake
treatments
show examples
 if
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sector
offeres
Correct your spelling
offers
those treatment
Change the determiner
that treatment
those treatments
show examples
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 effective cost. I
stongely
Correct your spelling
strongly
 agree with
above
Add a hyphen
above-metioned
show examples
metioned
Correct your spelling
mentioned
 facts and I will
encouarge
Correct your spelling
encourage
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 of each and every country to utilize more resources and
money
 in
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
sector
 for the
develepment
Correct your spelling
development
 of their country and citizens. There is no doubt that investment in arts and music
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 not necessary but it should be limited.
Correct your spelling
Government
Goverment
Correct article usage
The goverment
show examples
 should focus on the strengthening
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
sector
.
Submitted by kaurj303 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: