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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The movement of people from agricultural areas to cities to work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems and what measures can be taken to solve this problem?

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Over the
last
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 few years, many countries all around the globe have experienced an increase in the migration of pupils from rural to urban areas for the sake of job opportunities.
This
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 trend has become a grave concern because it is leading to several environmental
as well as
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economical
Replace the word
economic
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 problems.
However
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, a number of steps can be taken to regress these rapidly soaring issues.
To begin
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 with, the transmission of people to metropolitan cities causes several problems.
Firstly
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, the pressure on basic amenities
such
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 as clean water and air dramatically increases.
In other words
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, the movement of pupils to the towns leads to air and water pollution
as well as
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 the rate of waste generated
also
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 elevates;
consequently
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, deteriorating the health of humans and decreasing the living standards.
Secondly
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, overpopulation in urban areas means
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of accommodation or significantly higher rent of houses.
For instance
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, thousands of individuals migrate to Mumbai every year and
as a result
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, the city has the highest housing cost in the nation.
Moreover
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, there are several ways of curbing these drawbacks. Primarily, the government should encourage the populace to reside in the countryside. To elaborate, in order to restrict the migration of folks to the mega towns is it crucial for the government to develop the villages, and improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
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transportation and other facilities.
For example
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, in Australia, the majority of the population lives in suburbs like Brisbane rather than residing in the major towns because of the quality of amenities available in the rural regions.
Furthermore
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,
large scale
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large-scale
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 industries and factories should be built in the outskirts and the agricultural areas to increase the employment rates.
To conclude
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, from my perspective, as more and more pupils are shifting to bigger cities the load on natural resources is rising, and the villages are left completely underdeveloped.
Therefore
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 it has become significant to take vital measures to tackle these obstacles.

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task response
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples to support the arguments. However, there is a need to ensure that all parts of the essay directly address the task prompt and show a deeper analysis of the problems and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is evident, and the introduction and conclusion are present. However, there is a need for better transition sentences and the use of cohesive devices to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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