Throughout history, male leaders always lead us to violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders, it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Reading
a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

show examples
history provides a unique learning experience for us and we can learn from
their
Correct pronoun usage
our

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

show examples
mistakes because history repeats itself. People have different views about male and female
leaders
and most of them believe that male
leaders
have taken individuals into violence and conflict. I believe that it is an acceptable theory about them.
First
of all, from a scientific point of view,
women
’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains

It seems that brain may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
can get a lot of data and organize them at the same time in
other word
Change the wording
another word
other words

The adjective other appears to be modifying the singular noun word. Consider making a change.

show examples
they are able to use their brain more effectively in compared with
men
even it works during the night when they fall in asleep so they are not unconscious ever. Due to the
fact
Add a comma
,fact

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase Due to the fact. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
women
have an analytical mind,
moreover
, according to historical
document
Fix the agreement mistake
documents

It seems that document may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
women
have a natural talent to be more political and diplomat for doing their duties and tasks so they are more likely to consider all aspects of the issue to make a better decision with their mind and hurt and, in turn, they can predict others
next
step and it plays a crucial role in their life and success.
Secondly
,
Men
leaders
most of the time have been interested in expanding their countries and
boarders
Correct your spelling
borders

The word boarders doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
because by creating too much violence and conflict they want to be a hero and
this
situation is compounded when they overlook people’s safety and security in search of their ambition
that is
men
leader’s goals and dreams override the importance of the general population ‘s destiny.
For example
, Hillary Clinton has been president of Germany since 15 years ago and during her age, Germany is changed to the economic
center
Change the spelling
centre

The spelling of center is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

show examples
of Europe with a high standard of living. For
instant
Add an article
an instant

The noun phrase instant seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
, all young people who live there can benefit from free education and get more job opportunities. Apart from that, the biggest highlighting factor about
this
country is that all of the rights between
men
and
women
are equal.
As a result
, it shows
women
’s power, ability, and skills.
Finally
, in some families in Iran which lose their father, for
instant
Add an article
an instant

The noun phrase instant seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
, maybe family runs into financial issues but mothers support and manage their family and do not allow it to burst. It is a simple example on a small scale but we can involve it
in
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
bigger
Correct article usage
a bigger

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

show examples
scale as we know in the world we have numerous single
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers

It seems that mother may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
and most people think they are compelled to raise their child, but they have more sense of responsibility regard to their children and all the time try to provide them with the better situation and it requires too much effort and dedication. Based on all of the reasons I mentioned,
women
leaders
are more sensitive and concern about the young generation’s future because they are familiar with upbringing a child and its difficulties so they try to create a comfortable and safe circumstance for their citizens. Due to the reasons mentioned above, I believe that
a
Remove the article
apply

The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun society in your sentence. Consider removing it.

show examples
society
is
Correct pronoun usage
that is

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

show examples
governed by
women
is
more safe
Replace the words
safer

You have used the compound adjective more safe. Consider using the comparative form of this adjective.

show examples
and peacefully as they have an analytical mind and the sense of being a mother has a significant positive effect on managing the country
Submitted by devireddyammaiah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Need a higher score on IELTS Writing?
Writing9 scans your text for all types of mistakes, from typos to sentence structure problems and beyond.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Type your essay and get a band score instantly
After you write your essay, you will be provided with tips with examples of how to make your essay better in order to get a score above 7.