IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some parents are worried bout the increasing level if violence on TV, video games and other types of entertainment for children’s leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled?

#parents #bout #level #violence #tv #video #games #entertainment #children’s #leisure #affect #children
It is true that some
parents
 are panic about
video
games
 ,Tv and other types of entertainment in
children
 free time.In my opinion,the repercussions of
this
 issue will lead to low concentration in a child's academics and lack of social bonding whereas there are some measures that can be adopted to deter
this
 problem. The optimistic impact of media and
video
games
 as being entertainment for
children
 is low academic focus and less social bonding.Regarding the former impact,watching
video
games
 and other media free-time activities will affect the child's education while concentrating on their studies.
For example
,a student mind will remain thinking of playing
games
 rather than his lessons.
Moreover
,due to
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 time playing of virtual
games
,
however
, would affect negatively
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a pupil 's interaction with their
parents
 and friends.
That is
 to say
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
since
children
's view television insular will mitigate their relationship with family and neighbourhood. To remedy these problems,
Firstly
,the
parents
 can install a
childlock
Correct your spelling
child lock
child-lock
 application for toddlers which will infringe them from insular viewing of TV and internet.
Therefore
,a child could focus on other aspects of life.
Furthermore
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 developing a sport in youngsters after school would cultivate physical activity,and will support them to divert their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 from virtual programs.
In other words
,persuading students in physical activities after an education at school will enhance their mental performance ,and restrict them from
video
games
;
hence
 the actions of
parents
 and teachers would render an optimistic measure. In conclusion,though the teenagers are indulged in
violence
Add an article
the violence
show examples
 of media and playing computer
games
instead
 of physical
games
,
this
 issue can be solved by the intervention of
parents
 by
sofware
Correct your spelling
software
 application and school management by providing
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
 for the students to participate
an
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 evening sport inside the campus.Eventually,contemporary entertainment facilities for
children
 could be tackled by improving outdoor
games
 and technology on
parents
guide
Fix the agreement mistake
guides
show examples
.
Submitted by nirmaladec on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!