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Band 4.5

In the modern world, it is possible to shop, work and communicate with people via the Internet and live without ant face-to- face contact with others. Is this a positive or negative development in your opinion?

With the enhancement of technology, there is an imaginable scenario that people will use the Internet for purchasing, working and interacting with each other
instead
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 of direct communication. In my point of view, the drawbacks of
this
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 phenomenon outweigh the benefits.
To begin
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 with, social networks
impact negatively
Correct word order
negatively impact
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 real-life relationships.
For example
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, children and parents are drifting apart
due to
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 a lack of interaction caused by using social media.They tend to spend more time making online friends with those who have matching hobbies or glueing their eyes on social media rather than travelling together to strengthen the family bond. It leads to the tremendous generation gap between family members because they are unable
of having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
 chances to make conversation, which might be the main contributor to misunderstandings and an unsympathetic attitude.
Moreover
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, with the exploration of modern devices,
human’s
Check wording
humans’
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 well-being is being harmed. People are becoming lazier, which may cause deteriorating public health. Many researchers reported that residents spend at least 3 hours on virtual society
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 Facebook, Instagram and the online market.
Instead
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 of wandering for shopping, which is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 basic physical exercise, they prefer surfing the Internet and buying items on e-commerce platforms.
This
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 trend pessimistically affects people's condition and becomes the main reason for the increase of diseases
such
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 as low quality of
sight-seeing
Use the right word
sightseeing
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 or obesity in both young and adults. In conclusion, Even Though it is difficult to deny the positive influences of the Internet on shopping experiences, working environment and social interaction, there is no doubt that technology is damaging our relationships severely

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task
Make your view clear in the first sentence and keep your conclusion strong.
task
Add more strong examples and explain how they show your idea.
coherence
Link ideas with simple connectors like 'and', 'but', 'so', 'also' to help flow.
language
Fix grammar and choose easy words. Try to use basic words only.
task
The essay shows a clear view that the rise of the Internet has bad sides.
coherence
Some good ideas on how the Internet may harm family life and health.
content
The topic is addressed with some good examples.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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