IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that the crime among teenagers is increasing because of violent video games. To what extent you agree or disagree?

Although
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 these days everything has become
computerized
Change the spelling
computerised
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 and teens love using social media,some of
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 uses can have serious issues.It is
anyway
Rephrase
apply
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agreed that some people think the crime among teenagers
increasing
Verb problem
is increasing
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 because of violent video games.
This
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 will be proven by
analyzing
Change the spelling
analysing
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
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the following sentence.
First,
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watching and playing some video
business
Check wording
games
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 can be dangerous because of the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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 of those games.If the play consists of killing and slaughtering ,absolutely it has an awful impact on
their's
Check wording
their
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 behaviour as if they became monsters;
moreover
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,these resonate
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
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 significantly.
For instance
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, unfortunately, Iranian youth show themselves because of these inappropriate behaviours, especially in schools
in
Punctuation problem
. In
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fact
Punctuation problem
fact,
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 it is better for their parents to have huge monitors on
their's
Check wording
their
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 children ,and if they are not able to
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this
Correct determiner usage
apply
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monitor,teens will be broken soon.
As a result
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 ,
this
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 fact it is clear why
Correct pronoun usage
I agrees
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agrees
Correct subject-verb agreement
agree
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whit
Use the right word
with
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this
Linking Words
 claim. Second,children, because of their imagination, think that they are beyond the characters of the game ;
in addition
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, they believe they belong in games and they trucking themselves,so they want to become big characters overnight or even the city mafia ,
otherwise
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 they become depressed ,and in another ,way they will be criminals ;
furthermore
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, their life's stories became craps,and wherever they go, they do spoiled,
such
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 as adolescent mafia gangs in third world countries like Venezuela,and government should have a program for future that the statistics of these crimes should come down.After
analyzing
Change the spelling
analysing
show examples
 these
facts
Punctuation problem
facts,
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 it is clear why some teenagers have
been criminals always
Correct word order
always been criminals
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. In conclusion,we understood
younger
Correct word choice
that younger
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 citizens need to
more
Verb problem
be more
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 than control because of
different
Correct word choice
several
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 reasons that were said,and definitely, the video business
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 serious harm to teenagers,so it is recommended that more attention should be paid to them and they should be monitored.

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task
Agree or disagree clearly in the first line and keep that view in all points.
structure
Make a simple plan and use it all the way (First, Next, Finally).
grammar
Use short, easy sentences. Check for grammar and wrong use of words.
development
Stick to the topic. Do not add ideas that do not fit the question.
development
Use real but simple examples that fit the topic and avoid too many places.
mechanics
Use correct punctuation and make sure periods and commas are right.
structure
The essay shows a plan with an order (First, Second).
topic preference
There is a clear talk about crime and games.
conclusion
It ends with a conclusion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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