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Band 4.5

some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sport stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? which other types of jop should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #e #g #film #stars #pop #musicians #sport #money #jop
Entertainers are known
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 high salaries by
people
.
This
sector
 is very
famaous
Correct your spelling
famous
 in terms of high incomes. I agree
,
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apply
show examples
 they are paid too much
money
 to perform their professions.
Firstly
, entertainment is a
sector
 which meets demands related
pastime
Change preposition
to pastime
show examples
 activities mostly.In that free time,
people
 accept to spend a big amount of
money
 to have fun.
This
 aspect
lead
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leads
show examples
 to
competation
Correct your spelling
competition
 in
sector
 depending on getting alliance with popular entertainers. Growing demands play an important role in high numbers which are paid to famous. Limiting and controlling the alliance
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 impossible to check in
this
 system. Rock stars, to
exemlify
Correct your spelling
exemplify
, organize a concert and earn almost annual income by a single organisation. It supplies plenty of
money
 to
sustein
Correct your spelling
sustain
 their life and career.
Secondly
,hearing big numbers of incomes never shock the
people
although
 they criticize generally. Society stays
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
calm to act and
this
 encourages the
sector
 to go on.
Although
 minimal wage is dramatically low,
people
 never compare incomes. So, it is
basis
Add an article
the basis
show examples
 for suffering from
this
sector
. A famous star, to illustrate, earn much more
money
 but
people
 only debate their
perfotmance
Correct your spelling
performance
 widely.Noone can hinder or complain.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, the other occupations which deserve more
money
such
 as; teacher, doctor, lawyer and designer lose their motivations and hopes. Despite good education and
experienment
Correct your spelling
experiment
experience
 , they can not earn huge numbers. To consider all in a broader context, they think that famous
people
 earn a lot
instead
 of the
people
 deserved.
As a result
,
entertainment
Correct article usage
the entertainment
show examples
sector
 is criticized but never banned or controlled. Everyone should think
others
Change preposition
of others
show examples
 who are unmotivated and needed while watching
performance
Add an article
a performance
the performance
show examples
 in that
sector
.
Submitted by yalcin_tugce on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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