IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, an increase in crime rate has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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There is an ongoing interest in the link between
crime
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 and violent media. In most countries, the skyrocketed
crime
Use synonyms
 rate has been attributed to aggressive images on television and in computers, and video
games
Use synonyms
. I fairly support
this
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 claim as there are other factors influencing
crime
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will analyze both perspectives and delineate my opinion, supported by relevant examples. On one hand,
crime
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 has been linked to exposure to violent video
games
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, especially in the younger population.
This
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 means that constantly displayed cruelty might desensitize these teenagers to violence. The Global Psychological Associations conducted a survey to check their correlation, and their findings corroborate with it.
For example
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, in countries with high levels of engagement in violent TV shows and
games
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,
such
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 as the United States, there has been recorded increased ferocious behaviour among youths,
such
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 as mass shootings.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 violent
games
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 have become ubiquitous in
this
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 modern era, the
crime
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 rate has declined.
For
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this
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 reason, experts argue that the link between the lawlessness in society and
this
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 media is not clear-cut. They propose that a holistic view that incorporates psychological, social, and economic factors is necessary to understand the dynamics of
crime
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. They include poverty, inequality, inadequate education, drug abuse etc.
For instance
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, Japan has the highest rate of violent game players but has the lowest
crime
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 level across the globe
whereas
Linking Words
 in Nigeria, the reverse is the case. In conclusion,
while
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 I believe frequent exposure to aggressive TV can influence teenagers' behaviours, there are other pressing causes of
crime
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 like social injustice, illicit drug use etc.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear and sets up the argument well, but you can enhance it by stating your main point more forcefully. Consider rephrasing your thesis to make a stronger stance, even if you are discussing both sides.
task achievement
In your body paragraphs, while you present good examples, some points could be elaborated further. For instance, delving deeper into how poverty or inequality specifically relate to crime could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You could improve the flow between ideas with more transition words or phrases. For example, beginning the second body paragraph with a clearer signal phrase could help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Your essay presents a good balance of the different perspectives related to the issue. The argument is clear and logically presented.
task achievement
You possess a good understanding of the topic and provide a variety of examples, which adds depth to your analysis.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • psychological theories
  • Bandura's Social Learning Theory
  • conclusive scientific evidence
  • correlation
  • multi-factorial
  • socio-economic status
  • mental health
  • sole cause
  • outlet for aggression
  • teamwork
  • strategic thinking
  • counter-studies
  • awareness
  • violent media
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