IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#cultures #technology
In the neoteric era,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of
technology
 is vital.
However
, some believed that the burgeoning of
technology
 causes the extirpation of traditional cultures. I somehow concur with the
idea
;
however
, I almost entirely contest with the notion. A spotlight will be focused on both sides
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the ensuing paragraphs. I
somehow
Add a missing verb
am somehow
show examples
 in an accord with the
idea
 due to
Correct article usage
the lost
show examples
lost
Replace the word
loss
show examples
 of traditional
clothings
Change the wording
clothing
items of clothing
articles of clothing
show examples
 brought about by the modern machines in manufacturing
clothings
Change the wording
clothing
items of clothing
articles of clothing
show examples
.
Philippines
Correct article usage
The Philippines
show examples
 is an exemplar
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
, as many ready to wear clothes are now manufactured and sold
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a much cheaper prices as compared to the traditional
clothings
Change the wording
clothing
items of clothing
articles of clothing
show examples
 that are being sewed or weaved by the locals. On the other side, I disagree with the
idea
 more because I surmise that
technology
 and traditional cultures can work hand in hand. For an instance, the advancement of
technology
such
 as
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 and social media can be used in promoting the local culture of a country.
For example
, the famous weavers in the northern part of the Philippines are now exporting their products globally.
Hence
, local merchandise can flourish and be exported overseas.
Similarly
, new machines can help ease the burden
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 manufacturing traditional products. The latest equipments in furniture
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
the
tradional
Correct your spelling
traditional
 rattan and bamboo weavers manufacture more pieces as compared to manual weaving of rattan.
This
 will lead to more production and will generate more income
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
idigenous
Correct your spelling
indigenous
 people. To take all things into account,
this
 essay depicted that I somewhat agree with the
idea
 due to the emergence of cheaper RTW clothes; but for the most part, I differ with the notion due to the international promotion and faster manufacturing of commodities brought about by
technology
. At the end of the day, the only
stable
Replace the word
stability
show examples
 in life is innovation.
Submitted by allo_26 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: