IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #care #support #people #responsibility #person #retirement
Government
 should be responsible to
support
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
people
 as
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 contributes in many ways to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 I disagree that
government
 should not provide and
support
 its
people
.
To begin
 with,
people
 are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
produce
Change the verb form
produces
show examples
 the most of the budget that they are using to make projects and build infrastructure that
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 used.
For example
, in the
Philippines
Add a comma
,Philippines
show examples
 they are supporting their
people
 by making different
institute
Fix the agreement mistake
institutes
show examples
 that
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 to save their income for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future use.
In addition
, workers in the Philippines are obliged to pay taxes according to their income, it is
also
 mandatory for
government
 employees and overseas workers
are need
Change the verb form
are needed
show examples
 to pay some of the public
sector
Change to a plural noun
sectors
show examples
 the benefits them like Pag
ibig
Correct your spelling
big
 which provide and
support
 for education, Philhealth which benefits them during hospitalization and purchasing medicines, another sector that can help them for loaning and retirement is the SSS. These are some of
Add an article
the department
show examples
department
Fix the agreement mistake
departments
show examples
 that
government
 provides to
support
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
people
 inside and out of the country.
Furthermore
, they are
also
 having retirement
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
show examples
 who served the country like teachers, soldiers, doctors, police and many more as they are reached at the age of 60.
Government
Add an article
The government
show examples
 are entitled to give them financial
support
, even they are not living anymore as long as they have their beneficiaries, help and care still be provided. Even the young workers can still add their elder member of the family to their beneficiary which covers them in all the benefits that they are paying. In
conclusion
Add a comma
,conclusion
show examples
 each of us should be responsible to plan our future. The
government
 can
support
 us by providing different facilities to help us when we are old.
However
, working and saving can be beneficial too
which ever
Correct your spelling
whichever
show examples
 unforeseen event can happen we are ready and not depending only
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the administration. Better to save for the future that can guarantee us no matter what
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
.
Submitted by ding on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: