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Band 4.5

Some people think it is a good thing for senior managers to have much higher salaries than the other workers in a company. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #managers #salaries #workers #company
Every organisation will hire employees with abilities to enhance their
company
.
While
 there are those people who believe that senior managers should have the
most
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
 salaries in the
company
, I entirely agree because
this
position
has
Verb problem
requires
show examples
 to use
many
Change preposition
of many
show examples
 skills to become successful.
To begin
 with, it is the fact that everyone wants to receive money as much as possible, so they have to drive themself to finish
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 goals. In
this
 modern age, to be a senior
manager
 who obtains the most money in the
company
 among other workers, they must show that he is appropriate with his wages if not, the
company
 would have some person jealous
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and it will
kame
Correct your spelling
have
show examples
 a negative impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the workplace.
On the other hand
, if a senior
manager
 is a
role
 that receives the most salary, it would encourage employees they
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
set
this
role
 as a goal because
this
role
 requires many abilities.
For instance
, the senior
manager
 has a responsibility to control almost everything, so the person who receives
this
position
 should have experience, decision, and management
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not every worker will have
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Therefore
, the
role
 requires many abilities
like
Correct word choice
and
show examples
this
 should be the most paid
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
company
 without
doubt
Correct article usage
a doubt
show examples
.
To conclude
, to be a senior
manager
, that person should have many individual skills to show that he is appropriate
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
position
otherwise
, he
is
Wrong verb form
will be
show examples
 unable to maintain
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his
position
 for a long time
surely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. In my opinion, if the worker who is greatly in their job
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 the highest salary in the
company
, people would not be dubious
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 him.
Submitted by phantomdancing1 on

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task response
The essay addresses the given topic and presents a clear and comprehensive response. The examples provided are relevant and well-developed. However, the introduction and conclusion need to be stronger and more explicit, and the logical structure of the essay could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents relevant supporting examples. However, the logical structure of the essay needs improvement for better coherence and cohesion. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion should be more explicit to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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