IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion? Write at least 250 words

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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It is argued that presenting
violence
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 on television and computers have an enormous impact on
people
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 lives. Humankind's use to follow what they watch on tv programs and series.
Furthermore
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, especially
children
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 are being addicted to
violence
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 via
computer
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games
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. In
this
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 essay, I will extend my point of view that the media has a damaging effect on society.
First
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 of all,
people
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 imitate what they watch on tv. All the houses have at least one connection with the media device because it is the main source of entertainment nowadays. It is easier than ever for users to inform about the news all over the world via their smartphone or
computer
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 and that has as the result the presenting
violence
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 to encourage the viewers to feel more comfortable with that type of pictures or behaviours and to reproduce them.
For example
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, the
violence
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 rate in developed countries has been rising dramatically because of the increasing access to the internet.
Secondly
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, violent
computer
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games
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 have a large number of users nowadays. Many
people
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 and especially
children
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 use to play fighting
games
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 in their spare time.
Children
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 start to play war
games
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 at an early age and that would make them addicted to
violence
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 because they are more vulnerable as they don't have to develop critical thinking.
For instance
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, in the United States of America have many events of young students have attacked and killed their teachers and colleges at their schools. In summary, in my opinion, it is not argued that the all kind of media has crucial effect in the rate of
violence
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 in society due to the
people
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 follow what they watching in tv and the
children
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 encouraging to do what they learning via the
computer
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games
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.
Submitted by adsougl on

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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